Reset

It's been almost seven years since I've blogged - in fact, I'm just nine days short of seven full years.

Trying to form this post has been admittedly stressful. I used to be able to articulate my thoughts very well - even back then, despite the fact that reading those entries from then today feels oddly strange. With my limited vocabulary and knowledge I still do think it was a somewhat decent attempt for someone aged thirteen-turning-fourteen?

But I'm no longer thirteen-turning-fourteen. I'm goddamn twenty-turning-twenty-one. Yet I'm more lost and confused today than then.

It's been seven months since I've stopped talking to S, barring the rare intermittent icy-cold chats we've had since. Losing S as my trusty ear has been severely damaging to me. I used to tell him everything. Every goddamn thing, to the point I was sending him entries of my journal - a journal I wrote because he said it might make me understand myself better; a journal I sent because he said it will make him understand me better. And you'll never expect someone so important to you like this to break your trust... except he did.

I never got over it.

After that day I started not being able to form sentences about my own feelings and personal thoughts properly. I'd write halfway, and I'd get annoyed at myself for being so bad at it. I moved from writing to typing eventually, since no one was there to appreciate my handwriting anymore and it took too much time to try writing word by word. I don't know why I even bothered - maybe I was just holding out for the day that I'll reconcile my friendship with S and everything will be happily ever after.

Nonetheless I'm hoping that by posting what I feel will make me gain back that articulation in thought and make me feel better about myself eventually. Typing/writing to myself has been an exercise in futility with regards to that goal. Everything just gets reabsorbed by yourself and it feels twice as worse as before.

I just hope one person is out there listening, but even if that person doesn't exist - saying things out loud should be better than just keeping it within myself. Pen and paper or just plain Word document for my own eyes simply doesn't work for me.

This has been so hard to write, but I've... made it. This is liberating. I'll be back to write more.

P.S. I've told the first person, ID, just a few hours ago that I was (in definite terms) bisexual. I think I've dropped the hint a few times before, but never in such a direct manner. His response was so unexpectedly weak and disinterested that I'm starting to feel bad for doing it. It's bad since that day, August 9th, was the date he came out to me last year and I thought he'd have a bit of interest in it.

Should have known better, heh.