Eff you, Google. You make it so hard to follow another person's blog without almost outing oneself.
To anyone (is there anyone?) who reads this blog - the only reason why there's two profiles is because I'm using the other to read the blogs of other bi/gay men/other people publicly.
No point hiding anonymously to others, but hey, give me my veil.
I don't even understand why I went through the effort to do so. I just hope for a little bit of guidance but it's difficult to get.
Sucks to be me.
Showing posts with label mood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mood. Show all posts
Sunday, September 3, 2017
I'm tired
It's so frustrating that I have no one to talk to, and no one seems to really care if I'm dead or alive. I'm extremely tense by the thought that I might not do well enough in finding a job, although I'm at least three years away from that prospects.
It hurts my brain so much, but I feel like it's exactly the worry that many of my peers have - that our early to mid twenties are the peak of our performance and we've gotta get ahead by then, else fall behind.
Hell, two years in the army. I'm only graduating when I'm 23. That's old. We're talking about a bachelor's degree, and I'm still kicking myself for not being good enough.
It hurts. It fucking sucks.
I'm also nowhere nearer telling people that I'm bisexual and that number remains at... one? This sucks. Do I have to out myself? No. But I feel it's probably better, but I get reminded by all the issues like bi-erasure/bi-phobia (something I've talked about... four years ago?) and pause and think again.
It is extremely exhausting for me to actually to get people to chin up, and it's bad when you're dealing with a number of two to four. I know I can be a bundle of joy at times, but sometimes it hurts me so badly that I just don't have that kind of energy to deal with other people's issue and try to get them to be more optimistic about stuff.
I probably shouldn't be complaining, given that I've often not optimistic in front of S. Gosh. Karma's a bitch.
I've asked S before the question that if I disappear, would anyone notice? He said he will.
I'm not sure if he would anymore, but I'm over my broken friendship with him. I'm just hoping other people do realise if I actually do disappear.
Over and out.
It hurts my brain so much, but I feel like it's exactly the worry that many of my peers have - that our early to mid twenties are the peak of our performance and we've gotta get ahead by then, else fall behind.
Hell, two years in the army. I'm only graduating when I'm 23. That's old. We're talking about a bachelor's degree, and I'm still kicking myself for not being good enough.
It hurts. It fucking sucks.
I'm also nowhere nearer telling people that I'm bisexual and that number remains at... one? This sucks. Do I have to out myself? No. But I feel it's probably better, but I get reminded by all the issues like bi-erasure/bi-phobia (something I've talked about... four years ago?) and pause and think again.
It is extremely exhausting for me to actually to get people to chin up, and it's bad when you're dealing with a number of two to four. I know I can be a bundle of joy at times, but sometimes it hurts me so badly that I just don't have that kind of energy to deal with other people's issue and try to get them to be more optimistic about stuff.
I probably shouldn't be complaining, given that I've often not optimistic in front of S. Gosh. Karma's a bitch.
I've asked S before the question that if I disappear, would anyone notice? He said he will.
I'm not sure if he would anymore, but I'm over my broken friendship with him. I'm just hoping other people do realise if I actually do disappear.
Over and out.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Days are longer than you think
I realised how long a day is. The entries on Monday felt kind of foreign to me, but that's just two days ago.
I realised how fast my mood swings in a day. Sleeping became a problem yesterday because I was just thinking of S and I felt empty inside - I wished I understood myself and my brain better. It's ironic - my only lesson yesterday was about neurons and our brains and it's just breathtaking how little we know about the thing that forms part of everyone of us. It feels surreal that I wrote so many entries yesterday, and each and every one had a different emotion in it.
But S, yes. Were it not for good safety videos (props to AirNZ as usual, the last two Qantas ones and even American Airlines acknowledging customers have choices), I would probably have cried myself to sleep. I don't understand why he triggers such an effect in me. I'm ashamed.
Anyway, well - things will get better. It will.
Nonetheless today was pretty rad! Although I was bummed by the fact the finance office was closed yesterday, it was quite good to see the two ladies who I felt would have become good classmates of mine were it not for the fact I left. I honestly thought I let them down yesterday, but that's over. I submitted the withdrawal form today and suddenly walking through the school felt infinitesimally better.
To be honest I was worrying what was taking my passport so darn long - since today is day sixteen, and they pledged to have it done in fifteen else they'll email an explanation. No emails of explanation was forthcoming. Nonetheless the email finally came to beckon me to collect my orphaned passport. Yet it's honestly a bit irritating given the fact I've to rush down tomorrow, rather than being at the right place and the right time to collect like today was. It doesn't help that Friday's a public/bank holiday. Grrr.
I was surprisingly efficient today as well - got my exit permit done as well after worrying for eons about inefficiencies in the system - so that's rad. I managed to shear off three of the most important things/worries in one day. I expected that day to be yesterday - maybe it was just a telling sign I really ought to take a chill pill and let things take its natural course than force my way through.
It's still a bit hard to believe I'm fifteen days away from Bristol. That's two weeks and a day. I've spent two weeks in a row doing nothing before, yet my days now are getting longer and more hectic. I love it. It puts my mind off silly thoughts about loneliness, but hey, I'll be better.
M
I realised how fast my mood swings in a day. Sleeping became a problem yesterday because I was just thinking of S and I felt empty inside - I wished I understood myself and my brain better. It's ironic - my only lesson yesterday was about neurons and our brains and it's just breathtaking how little we know about the thing that forms part of everyone of us. It feels surreal that I wrote so many entries yesterday, and each and every one had a different emotion in it.
But S, yes. Were it not for good safety videos (props to AirNZ as usual, the last two Qantas ones and even American Airlines acknowledging customers have choices), I would probably have cried myself to sleep. I don't understand why he triggers such an effect in me. I'm ashamed.
Anyway, well - things will get better. It will.
Nonetheless today was pretty rad! Although I was bummed by the fact the finance office was closed yesterday, it was quite good to see the two ladies who I felt would have become good classmates of mine were it not for the fact I left. I honestly thought I let them down yesterday, but that's over. I submitted the withdrawal form today and suddenly walking through the school felt infinitesimally better.
To be honest I was worrying what was taking my passport so darn long - since today is day sixteen, and they pledged to have it done in fifteen else they'll email an explanation. No emails of explanation was forthcoming. Nonetheless the email finally came to beckon me to collect my orphaned passport. Yet it's honestly a bit irritating given the fact I've to rush down tomorrow, rather than being at the right place and the right time to collect like today was. It doesn't help that Friday's a public/bank holiday. Grrr.
I was surprisingly efficient today as well - got my exit permit done as well after worrying for eons about inefficiencies in the system - so that's rad. I managed to shear off three of the most important things/worries in one day. I expected that day to be yesterday - maybe it was just a telling sign I really ought to take a chill pill and let things take its natural course than force my way through.
It's still a bit hard to believe I'm fifteen days away from Bristol. That's two weeks and a day. I've spent two weeks in a row doing nothing before, yet my days now are getting longer and more hectic. I love it. It puts my mind off silly thoughts about loneliness, but hey, I'll be better.
M
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