Random thoughts

I get jealous with people with more friends than me.

What the hell is wrong with me?

It's ten days away, M - ten days away from getting to know more people. Be chill, and get this right. I was wondering whether I should switch up from Blogger to some other platform where there's more of a chance to interact with more like-minded people. I was honestly really bummed by the fact that the "blogs you follow" feature got removed on the Blogger profile, and to be honest - Blogger is the kind of stuff I was using when I was 11 to write crap. In fact, I still do have the posts from the other blog - and although some of the stuff I've posted was really beyond what an eleven year old would write, the rest was downright cringe.

Tumblr? Tumblr's isn't really good for writing what I feel, neither does Dayre will.

If I'm not back here, you'll probably be able to find me over at Wordpress. same domain, perhaps!

I probably should get some rest first.

I'm tired

It's so frustrating that I have no one to talk to, and no one seems to really care if I'm dead or alive. I'm extremely tense by the thought that I might not do well enough in finding a job, although I'm at least three years away from that prospects.

It hurts my brain so much, but I feel like it's exactly the worry that many of my peers have - that our early to mid twenties are the peak of our performance and we've gotta get ahead by then, else fall behind.

Hell, two years in the army. I'm only graduating when I'm 23. That's old. We're talking about a bachelor's degree, and I'm still kicking myself for not being good enough.

It hurts. It fucking sucks.

I'm also nowhere nearer telling people that I'm bisexual and that number remains at... one? This sucks. Do I have to out myself? No. But I feel it's probably better, but I get reminded by all the issues like bi-erasure/bi-phobia (something I've talked about... four years ago?) and pause and think again.

It is extremely exhausting for me to actually to get people to chin up, and it's bad when you're dealing with a number of two to four. I know I can be a bundle of joy at times, but sometimes it hurts me so badly that I just don't have that kind of energy to deal with other people's issue and try to get them to be more optimistic about stuff.

I probably shouldn't be complaining, given that I've often not optimistic in front of S. Gosh. Karma's a bitch.

I've asked S before the question that if I disappear, would anyone notice? He said he will.

I'm not sure if he would anymore, but I'm over my broken friendship with him. I'm just hoping other people do realise if I actually do disappear.

Over and out.

Days are longer than you think

I realised how long a day is. The entries on Monday felt kind of foreign to me, but that's just two days ago.

I realised how fast my mood swings in a day. Sleeping became a problem yesterday because I was just thinking of S and I felt empty inside - I wished I understood myself and my brain better. It's ironic - my only lesson yesterday was about neurons and our brains and it's just breathtaking how little we know about the thing that forms part of everyone of us. It feels surreal that I wrote so many entries yesterday, and each and every one had a different emotion in it.

But S, yes. Were it not for good safety videos (props to AirNZ as usual, the last two Qantas ones and even American Airlines acknowledging customers have choices), I would probably have cried myself to sleep. I don't understand why he triggers such an effect in me. I'm ashamed.

Anyway, well - things will get better. It will.

Nonetheless today was pretty rad! Although I was bummed by the fact the finance office was closed yesterday, it was quite good to see the two ladies who I felt would have become good classmates of mine were it not for the fact I left. I honestly thought I let them down yesterday, but that's over. I submitted the withdrawal form today and suddenly walking through the school felt infinitesimally better.

To be honest I was worrying what was taking my passport so darn long - since today is day sixteen, and they pledged to have it done in fifteen else they'll email an explanation. No emails of explanation was forthcoming. Nonetheless the email finally came to beckon me to collect my orphaned passport. Yet it's honestly a bit irritating given the fact I've to rush down tomorrow, rather than being at the right place and the right time to collect like today was. It doesn't help that Friday's a public/bank holiday. Grrr.

I was surprisingly efficient today as well - got my exit permit done as well after worrying for eons about inefficiencies in the system - so that's rad. I managed to shear off three of the most important things/worries in one day. I expected that day to be yesterday - maybe it was just a telling sign I really ought to take a chill pill and let things take its natural course than force my way through.

It's still a bit hard to believe I'm fifteen days away from Bristol. That's two weeks and a day. I've spent two weeks in a row doing nothing before, yet my days now are getting longer and more hectic. I love it. It puts my mind off silly thoughts about loneliness, but hey, I'll be better.

M

Frustrating inefficiency

Second post of the day (I probs should temper my writing, but hell nah since it's such a lovely pastime and no one judges!)

I honestly had lingering doubts about going to Bristol since you know, it's no LSE/UCL and I was thinking whether I was mental for giving up two local schools ranked 11 and 15 in the world. And then I was in the library (this local university's library, mind you) just minding my own business and learning my neurons, and at the table in front of me laid a textbook that someone left behind.

And what's so surreal is that it's in the field I wanted/will be studying in. And on a closer look - boom - I recognised the name of the author - and it's one of the profs who teaches at Bristol in my course of study. And then I went to look at the unit outline for that module and I was surprised it was a core textbook (and written with another of the Bristol lecturers), alongside another textbook co-written by the former Finnish Prime Minister.

te deum! ex-PM Alexander Stubb. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THAT CHIN-DESK. he runs marathons and triathlons - faster than Tony Abbott, and probably much fitter than all of us :(

I know I'm going off-tangent here, but I do hope I will look like ex-PM Stubb at his age. He's 49, and he looks great, sans the wrinkles. Probably possible if I'm not lazy. Like I mean - this is supposedly how us Asians are supposed to age:

It's probably utterly possible.

Anyway back to topic: So, I was wondering: why study here about that subject when you can learn it from the horses' mouth? On my supposedly last day in this local university it's honestly a clear signal that I should go.

That's about the only good thing that happened for the day however. Hmm. Everything that could go wrong went wrong after that I felt.

1. I was told by the poor dude dealing with my medical review in the army couldn't find a reschedule date before I leave for the UK - so I'll probably have to do it in December. It's such a pity since I wanted to wrap up loose ends but nahhhhh. Anyway it's one more excuse to hop back to Singapore for a little while and a little refuge from the cold so that's cool with me!
2. You know about that withdrawal form? They needed me to pay the finance guys a visit for obvious reasons (ie not hiding gold bars/stealing money/owing fees they would rather use to come out with another department named after an acronym) and they're only open during lunchtime on three working days. What the flying flute. Think about that - the finance office of a university opens to the public only three working days for three hours. So, I gotta go down tomorrow to get that done. To hell with them, they deserve their crap ranking. HMMPH.
3. My passport isn't ready for collection, and I've hearing zilch from the visa guys although they promised that it will be done within fifteen working days. Today, my friends, is DAY FIFTEEN. It's darn frustrating to not have your passport in a country of a few hundred square kilometres - I'm utterly annoyed. TF did warn me before that UKVI is inefficient as hell, but he changed it to 'UK is inefficient'. I didn't expect this level of inefficiency, though! Should have know better - there must be some truth if that's coming from a Brits' mouth.
4. I collected my chest x-ray report and they were like 'oh noes' we don't have film. Which is annoying but fine since they have a CD copy of the x-ray and gave it to me, but I got into a big altercation with my mother (which honestly is losing her cognitive sense at times) saying that I should be printing the CD copy on A4 paper. It hurts for me to explain since she just refuses to get it. UGH. Went home and told my sister about the entire hullabaloo, and she was like 'who the eff prints x-rays on A4 white paper?'. Damn. Sometimes I hate my sister's guts but sometimes she's such a godsend.

Oh and lessons! I think I kind of screwed up the neuron bits and I feel really bad for that - but hey it wasn't easy and the professor said it herself when she taught us post-activity. It was incredibly interesting though! For example - do you know that apparently there are nasal erectile tissues? No?

Good luck looking into his/her nose, trying to tell whether he/she/it/they have the hots for ya ;)

Also I was checking out this dude across the room because he had such lovely ideal-size pecs and deltoids I'd want to have on myself. Mhmm. (lel what were you thinking?) It's a long drawn process to train that, but if I get there, dayum. I'd be stoked. But first, patience! I still have my gut to work on, and whilst it's not much of it left, I should concentrate on that indeed. I wonder if there's any secret in having no fat on the side yet still being really huggable. Things to research on.

I'll end this here, but do not fret: I WILL BE BACK.

(mwahaha I love being so random and just plain silly - I hope people love me for that too!)

I DON'T CAAAARE

Uhmm okay!

I honestly think I've been too damn stoic in my entries! Like I should really chill the fuck out and have fun with this!

Don't mind me if I go crazy bwahaha. I love going crazy - I should channel my inner craziness here! My family probably has had enough of me going silly heh. :D

Anyway, last day of the local university and then I'll get my withdrawal form in; and hope for the best UKVI gives me back my damn passport soon!

Y U NO COME BACK FASTERRRR!

Anyway yesterday night was rad - really spent hours talking to MH and completely forgot I needed to read about neurons and teach my group about it for this last lesson (hurhur - maybe I'm not as conscientious as I believe myself to be). Waking up in the morn was weirdly fresh (after four hours of sleep?) and the first thing I thought of was Adventure Time's Lumpy Space Prince singing I DON'T CAAAAARE:

Like yeah THAT, the first thing in the morn! I think I've really gone to the stage I'm giving no fucks about things that don't matter like acquaintances (a la L's style) and about how people view me. MH asked me if I was afraid of S - I told him no, but things will probs be awks as hell if I were to bump into him in the UK.

Today's gonna be a good day. My braces are off but I've got my retainers now - and they're so lovely! It's not totally wired like the traditional retainers of the day (which is the best for keeping teeth straight), nor the Invisalign-ish type (transparent and aesthetic), but it has a transparent wire across it so it has the best of both worlds!

One more class and one withdrawal form next. Sixteen more days to go - sixteen before my next chapter in life!

Welcome to Bristol

I'm actually quite glad that I was suffering a little writer's block just now, because it really made me think through what I wanted to say and in perhaps the best way possible.

I know people can be filled with a lot of negativity and toxicity and to some extent I see that in myself. But the fact that I've decided not to entertain these thoughts straight on - by not verbalising them and to get sucked into me perhaps have made me a better person to be acquainted with.

I know there's quite a number of things in general in which I could have done better or that I can improve on, but to just treat myself harshly and to tell myself that I'm worth crap as a result of my shortcoming would have been utterly defeatist and wholly ineffective in getting to where I wish I could be.

In that aspect I am hoping to keep the optimist side of me when writing, because I know that if I allow my long-latent negativity seep into my writing, it will only proliferate and back into my head as menacing thoughts.

It's not that I'm trying to act that 'everything is fine'. Things rarely are fine, and I acknowledge that. I don't try to act that I'm contented with life as it is. I'm not.

I talked to TF (the dude who's flying in an Avro from Newcastle) about what I should do with life, and I've gotten quite a different perspective. He's Brit, but he's not white and he has lived in quite a few different countries since his childhood. Whilst I can certainly beat up myself for not being in LSE/UCL/Oxbridge, he reminded me where I am and that how I'm already doing pretty well. And he's right. I'm honestly, honestly still stuck in my pre-university era where everyone (I knew, at least) was a genius, and it doesn't help that my sister is in the same school and that she's pretty much a semi-genius as well. I need to get that out of my head and that whilst I'm not one of those geniuses, if I do work harder and pace myself well I'd be doing well.

I took the time to look at people's Instagram posts - and especially a few Asians living in United Kingdom. I don't happen to have that insidious jealously waiting to whip me for living an utterly meh life with respect to these people (since they ain't competition to me) - instead, through all these figures who are a bit older than me I can see what life can become if I do maintain my perseverance. It's pretty rad because I can see myself in that.

I've come to terms that I'm off in seventeen days, and I've just received a snail mail from the University with all the info and maps of the city in the last hour. A nice touch, really. They were the only ones who bothered to send me a snail mail after getting an offer (you guys are lovely), and I was just poring through it and seeing what I could do. I know I want to get myself into some volunteer work. Study hard, certainly; and meet L and our friends in London and find TF up north. It's a bit deflating to hear the gym's not really near where I live - I'm come far enough to look decent, but I wanna look dayum in a suit. But, hey doing a sport seems interesting. I've did it, sure, even competitively before, but that was years past. Maybe it's time to restart.

I really hope I can leave my demons away here in Singapore, and do this well. It's pretty uplifting to have a little bit of faith in myself, and I know I will thrive in a foreign environment where the desires and obligations of my family and living with them aren't an impediment anymore. That is a reason why I'm actively lobbying my sister to choose different UK schools to apply, or stay here in NUS to do her course (since it's a professional course anyway) - notwithstanding the fact that she needs to learn to be independent and can't act like any sassy bitch dependent on her boyfriend (not that she's one). I find that there's where I differ from my sister's in general - because I'm the oldest and that just begets responsibility, sometimes you do too much to the detriment of them. Yet my parents have never nudged them in that way and hence my point is moot.

This will be great. I really should be less harsh of myself - I've done the impossible and the highly unlikely before - I have the ability to do the impossible even more so than anyone I've known. If I told most of my teachers in pre-university I'm headed to Bristol their jaw would have dropped. That's how little faith they had in me. I used to have an inferiority complex when talking to S, but thinking about it - I've lost it the time I decided enough was enough.

I don't lack anything. Yes, I could be less harsh on myself, I could have more belief in myself, but ultimately it's just because I'm not confident enough in myself. I totes should. And go in with an open mind, and be chillax as a flying flute as I usually am, and be brilliant and unconventionally great in such a way I'd bring the house down.

That's the goal, and that's a damn fine goal. Good luck to me. I'll be more than fine.

Weird intelligence

I've named this post after a thing SW (a close but older mutual friend of mine and MH) said just literally minutes ago about a trait that binds us three, so apologies if it doesn't make sense with the rest of this post (that was largely written before SW said that).

Anyway, tomorrow's going to be my last day at the local university, and then I'm going to head straight off after class to submit my withdrawal form.

I know I'm taking a huge risk given that my UK visa isn't approved yet (I'm hoping I get the email within the next two days), but I don't think I can stay there any longer regardless. I've only been there for a week (discounting the fact I did a module there in the summer) but I've gotten incredibly tired of the people and the place - there's no life in it, and while it prides itself for the massive amount of extracurricular activities it has and its links with industry; it just feels goddarn corporate.

Hell no. I had a lesson last Wednesday where the professor asked everyone of us to tell the class about one interesting thing that happened over the summer break and 90 percent of it is just about "oh I went on a trip to South Korea, and they're so different, they're so chill, unlike Singapore". Hell, there wasn't even much variation with regards to the country (it's either goddamn South Korea or Japan half of the time).

And I just talked about going to this other summer school in the other university (there's a lot of foreigners in that one, since it's not held by that university but by the international association in the field of study), and talking to this Kazakh lady in which Kazakh happens only to be her fourth language - then going on to explain why was that the case and the wider implication of using the Russian language versus Kazakh in post-Soviet Kazakhstan, and how the problem came about.

I felt what I said was pretty meh, but what I got from the class (I was sitting at the back) was people looking in awe. Like what the hell? I kinda felt like if I remained in this school I'll probably regress and not learn anything new.

I really, really hope that the UK would be different, but at the same time L and my mother (who happened to study in the UK before) told me not to get my hopes up and expect things to be worse. L has been complaining about how the Masters students in her university aren't really that bright - which is kind of a worry for me because I wanted to go there for my Masters (sigh). I'm honestly not used to this after the kind of company I had in pre-university, but there's nothing I can change. I'm starting to regret not being closer to a lot more people in pre-u, but I didn't like many of them. I found many were either airheads that were only focused on memorising, else they were the kind who networked and backstabbed to get further in life. I'm quite glad my class was nothing of the sort (bar a select one or two), and I'm really extremely grateful that I got to know L and MH - and that we'll all be in the UK at the same time! :P


A few other things (to hell to the point form, so I do apologise if it seems a bit disjointed):

I've been actively looking at people's Instagram posts on explore and I'm starting to be really glad not to be one of those dudes doing law. It has been in my radar for the longest of time, until I switched it up and chose to do something closer to my heart which isn't far away from law. I knew I didn't want to practice as a lawyer even if I wanted to do law, and I'd be dumb to put myself in all the competition if that's the case. While some do really well (like a number of my acquaintances doing internships in NYC), some don't. And those are the ones who didn't get into Oxbridge/the three London schools/Bristol/Warwick/Durham but things further down - like Exeter or Sheffield. I do worry about how they are going to get a job - especially if they're heading back to Singapore to work - when there's a glut of lawyers in the job market anyway. I think many people get blinded by the bling of the law career when it's just utterly crap when you're not one of those performing well/in the top schools, and that there wasn't anyone who knew better to stop them before they fall into the rabbit-hole. In that aspect I'm glad that I've decided to steer away from that, but I know I need to be wary as well. I'm not in the London schools nor Oxbridge, and I'm not doing a professional degree, so I have to be careful about the tightrope I'm walking.

Swiss withdrew their Avros out of service just a few days ago. I'm a little bit annoyed despite being quite sure this will happen sooner or later, but that means I can't catch one of the Swiss Avro birds when in the UK, pfft. A British friend of mine's gonna catch one on Cityjet from Newcastle, but he's planned it on (of all days) day two of my university term, and Newcastle's a bitch to get up from the south, so I can't catch it with him. Ah well.

My mother's being a lot less belligerent in the way that I think she realised how hurtful it is to throw the financial blackmail card on me. I know she had personal experience dealing with that in her youth, but nonetheless I don't think it gives you the right to do it to other people. This was the thing I actually prepared an entry about but decided to hold it off, and I think this paragraph suffices in lieu of that. To be honest, it's a big relief, and that's great because I can spend more time actually gearing myself up in university and thinking what to do next after this.

My weight's stagnating, but I believe it's just a temporary thing before I head over to the UK, since I've been indulging a little bit more on things and I can't keep off sugar for an extended period of time (I don't think you realise how insidious they are if you don't cook yourself). It's quite hilarious that my younger sister (she's athletic as hell) and my mother has been complaining about how they feel fat for eating, but they're still eating the same things. Especially my mother - I've been telling her to lay off the sugar to no avail. She'll be in the UK for a period of time with me before my school term starts, and I'm hoping to wean her off sugar before I dump her (and her luggage full of new clothes) on her flight back to Singapore. Ten days can do wonders if you're disciplined enough.

It's been three months since I've catalogued all the things I wanted to do with my life and their associated files/documents in this Dropbox folder of mine and it's a wonder how much progress I've made. Despite so, I'm still a long way off. But hey, I've started, and it's only gonna get better. I hope I can look back in another three months' time and offer myself another pat on the back, and hopefully get one of those projects done and closed.

I guess that's it for today!

A little reflection

I know I promised that particular entry yesterday, but I'm still sitting on it and thinking how I should edit it, and whether I should ultimately publish it.

Nonetheless I'm glad that this has evolved into a space where I can actually air my own problems/opinions without getting judged, and where I can be relatively free from being worried that someone might find out of it anyway.

In fact I'm at a stage where I don't really worry if people actually find out about it, because it's not as personal as I thought it would be. I'm still not sharing at a stage where I did with S, so it's still okay for me.

--

I've steadily realised that this form of writing brings about a cathartic release that I don't often get. I don't have the kind of support system most people have - or maybe I do, but the fact that I usually dwell on a problems on a numeral magnitude higher than other people, my support system is inadequate in handling the crap I throw at it. I'm not even twenty-one yet, yet my hair's graying and I'm stressed at the crossroads of life. I know I haven't started university, but when I went through my old notebooks there were musings and plans about what I need to do and what I should do - and we're talking about stuff that I conceivably can't do until later in life.

Yet there's this feeling of uneasiness that I can't shake off. I've lost two years to mandatory conscription. I know that I did adequately during the two years outside of the army for my own life, and although I'm in a decent position of strength (going a pretty decently-ranked/well-ranked university in one of the few countries the scholars tend to go), there's something about it that's unnerving. I went for one of my "classes" at one of the local university (before I tender my withdrawal next week) - and I met one of my acquaintances/classmate (?) that I knew from pre-university. It was certainly unsettling (to me) to hear how much he's getting done - taking his ACCA papers (for an accounting professional qualification) that he managed to study during his time serving the army, and continuing it now whilst juggling a heavy workload in school. I'm unsettled not because he's taking a heavy workload - I know he's capable of and I'm certainly happy for him - but it's unsettling because I'm not doing the same. Somehow I feel that I need to one-up other people if I want to achieve progress. It's not about just getting a first-class degree from a reputable university, but the fact that my reputable university needs to compare with respect to other people's reputable university and that I need to achieve more than others. 

Yet I wonder whether I'm doing this because I'm just naturally competitive or that I just need to prove myself to other people and so not get judged by them. Yet L had this very apt piece of advice for me about worrying about people judging you:

L: There are only two types of people in your life

L: Friends or acquaintances

L: Friends won't judge you

L: Acquaintances don't actually give a fuck about your life

And she's right. She goes on to mentioned that being judged is a very East Asian form of behaviour, where people need to see the point of competing to people and actually bringing people down to quell their own insecurities in life. She's right.

In fact, by extension, aren't we all much better if we set our sights forward, rather than having to guard our rear - ie spending energy worrying about people judging us, or spending energy judging people to bring them down? Perhaps we really all are. Perhaps L's right, and that I should spend more time looking how to charge forward, and in my own way, rather than compare myself to other people and live a second-rate version of other people's life.

Braces off + short end of the stick

Yesterday was a great day.

My braces are finally off after two years, and it's so lovely not having to bother with the wires and see my teeth being so straight. My ortho has done an amazing job, and it can't be any better.

It's a good start, and it is a goodbye to a relic that harkens back to the era of my mandatory conscription, so that's even better. Hell, I even realised the exact day of the welcome ceremony in the university I'm going to head is on my birthday itself, so hurray.

I know I have a fetish for coincidences and dates. But there's something so serendipitous about it that intrigues me.

I digress, but I do wonder who is going to take the time to wish me on my birthday, but I guess I can think about it later.

Today I read kenn-do's blog again and there was a new entry about his ex and about how he cheated on him.

I was wondering why considerate nice people always happen to get the short end of the stick. I didn't expect today to be the day that I read about heartbreak, about people who don't cherish nice people and about people who bear the brunt of that.

I feel so helpless because I don't know what to say. I feel so helpless because it's not the first time this is happening to someone and I don't know what to do. MH was the receiving end of a girl who didn't cherish him. ID had his boyfriend cheat on him as well - and it's even disgustingly so when you know who they are. I could certainly continue and list out even more cases, but you get my drift. These people I've known are kind, considerate, caring beings. Why do people treat them in these ways? Are kind and considerate people easy to take advantage of, or are there just so many jerks around?

I know how it felt when S betrayed me, and he's just a goddamn friend. It must hurt ten times worse if the other party is your lover. S made me so worried about sharing stuff with other people because I feel they are going to get a hold at me, like S did. Now that I'm reflecting on it, I wasn't just manipulated, I was probably gaslighted on.

I really have little faith in things, but I think they are justified. I don't think I've any hope left in this mystical thing called love when everyone's having bad experiences with jerks left right and centre. You just can't escape them.

And honestly, this doesn't come at a better (worse?) timing. I found my parents' separation letter two days ago, dated from years past, nestled between other pretty important documents. I vividly remember those times, where I knew shit hit the fan and being an utterly young boy, didn't know what to do. I remember tales of cheating. I remember screams across phones, and the usually absent parent abroad being accused of something. I was wondering to ask one of them about the separation letter in my hand, but I decided against. My sister was just beside me and I decided to discreetly keep the documents rather than show her, and asking would have not been good for anyone. She doesn't remember a thing about the entire thing. Neither does the other one. They were far too young. If that's the case, the least I could do is to maintain a good impression of that parent than to shatter the image.

In light of that I'm wondering now if they're actually married; and if they are, is it in name and 'for the kids'? Nothing has changed about the periodic absence of the absent parent in the name of work. I've always been much closer with the present parent than the other, until this year where a couple of trips took us a bit closer.

Those documents have reopened it, and I'm not sure how to feel anymore. I remember the time a close friend told me and MH about her own failed relationship from years ago and her kids, and how her eldest always wants attention from his father - which never gave any after he left.

I was just wondering - would I have been in the same position as her son if things happened in that way?

Either way, I really have no faith in relationships anymore.

Friday night

My Friday night was a wet one - it was literally raining cats and dogs today. I haven't seen a rainy night happen for quite a while, so I spent quite a considerable amount of time watching the rain hit the glass windows in my room - in the dark.

A cold somewhat-dark place has always been my favourite spot to be because it feels like no one else can notice my presence and that I can fade into the dark, where I gel. I can't help but feel really small, and really out in sync with others. I see how my friends are doing okay and getting along in life in local universities and I'd just think to myself - no way in hell I could even survive - not because I'd drown in work, but the fact is that I think people wouldn't want to hang out with me anyway.

--

I had time tonight - and I knew I wasn't going to blankly stare at a window for hours on end so I decided to read (and re-read) some blogs. I know my own writing has turned from abhorrent to utterly abysmal and I need to learn for others!

kenn-do's one still interests me the most and it's quite interesting to see how attitudes and issues have changed - some for the better, some for the worst, and some in just perpetual merry-go-round. I was hoping he read back on his own entries from year's past to see how life always oscillates between the ultra-good, the absolute horrid and meh in general. And to see how much he actually grown throughout the years, and that things will be life if you give it time.

I'm being totally hypocritical here - because I'm still wallowing deep in my own doubts and insecurities. Nonetheless I took the entire bunch of logs that I've written to myself before I started this, and read through how my own emotions have changed and how I was then versus now. It's nice to know that I've grown as a person but it's pretty sad to revisit the fact that I'm no longer talking to the people who once mattered a lot to me, or that we're just conversing much less.

Anyway, here's something from what I wrote in September (?) last year. It was formatted as in a poetic form there, which probably is damn effing pretentious now thinking about it. I think it says a lot about my state of mind on certain issues and probably quite apt with all the stuff going around today - hell, it probably is apt at any point in time in human history.

I'm not sure if I still have that fire in me to care that much about any issue today, though.

The matches that matter
are not the ones
between Man U and Leicester City
between Federer and Nadal
not the ones
that pay millions to its maker
in endorsements nor in signing fees
but
the ones in Westminster, in the Riigikogu
in Parliament
between parties - and ideas and values and beliefs
of which what is at stake
is no mere win or loss nor some money
but the futures of the young
the plight of the down and out
the economy and the employed and the unemployed
and to society and the society as a whole
that - is what's at stake

Making decisions

I have been so free that I can wake up and have no idea which day of the week it is. To that extent I've been trying to mitigate that by doing stuff with my life (and time), but I've invariably been failing. Remember about learning LaTeX? I gave that up halfway after I took too long to get the code to work properly (for example getting the dependencies in! trying to get another font to just work!), and then weighed the pro and cons of learning LaTeX versus using Word/LibreOffice and it didn't match up. At least now I can say that I can type a bit of math equations with LaTeX - which is the only bit that really matters - and how word processors work and the difference between acronyms like WYSIWYG and WYSIWYM (essentially, what you see is what you get/mean). Despite so I've managed to pick up Markdown in no time, so that's good because hey at least I've managed to learn something! Whether or not it's all useful is very much up for debate, though.

The local universities have started or are about to start their school term. It suddenly dawned upon me that I haven't submitted my withdrawal form for my placing at one of the local universities, after receiving an email from the professor asking the class to make preparations for lessons next week.

Next week? Next week?! I'm not ready yet.

UKVI hasn't gotten back on my visa application yet, and while it seems like eons ago that I paid a visit to the visa application centre it's only been seven damn working days. That means I'm still less-than-halfway to getting a decision. I've planned to submit my withdrawal only when I've gotten a definitive answer, but now I'm stuck in this dilemma where I would either have to spend time attending lessons next week and even the week after, or withdraw prematurely without a backup plan.

Decisions, decisions.

D minus one month

August 14th.

Exactly a month left before I'm heading off to the UK. It's pretty daunting because I really don't know what to expect over there. Especially the competition academically.

I told L my concerns the other day and she was like "don't worry lah, they're all so un-bright - especially all the masters students I get in contact with." I'm not sure whether to take comfort in that - she's freaking bright and she might have had a much different experience dominating her competition compared to what I might feel. I mean - well, she lost a grand total of 40 points off the full score on the old SAT - that's just simply amazing.

If anything, I'm a much lesser version of her. So I get doubly worried when she faces obstacles in her time in London, because I know if she does, I'll just go through the same and end up much worse off.

I'm probably thinking too much. S used to tell me to have more confidence in myself. Even my mother was talking about how I shouldn't be viewing myself as one which is not as stellar as the rest. But when you're accustomed at performing badly at the back of the rat race it's not a fear one can let go easily.

My head hurts, and I'm still figuring how to learn LaTeX, so I'm going to end this entry early right here today.

Three things

I realised I shouldn't be writing in such utterly cryptic language and it doesn't really matter to divulge a little more since no one will probably read this, hah. I have zero urge to structure things properly today, so here goes the point forms.

1. S has left for Manchester and I'm really really glad I'm not in the same city with him for at least the next nine months. Things have been especially awkward since the incident, and it's not good that S was my go-to person to confide to and I still do feel exposed in front of him. It's somewhat a breather, until my own relocation puts him near to me again. 
2. I happen to find out from the grapevine that a junior of mine just got a government scholarship. The worst days of my insecurities of not being up to par with such people are long gone, but the scars are still there. It didn't help that all my peers in the executive committee in my pre-university society were either scholars or in Oxbridge/London. But whatevs. I'm used to trying to play catch-up - I'll just keep doing that. I've been thinking on how to one-up people, but I haven't had a clue except pursuing a masters at one of the London unis with the extra one year I'd save heading to the UK to study rather than staying here.
3. I've definitively decided not to go for my university's orientation (held for students based here) before I leave. While a classmate of mine from my pre-university years (let's call him MH) have decided to go despite earlier reservations, it seems that most of the locals going there are law students - and I have no intention to let a bunch of wannabe corporate lawyers colour my perception of the university that I'll spend the next three years of my life. It's freaking ironic since that city is effing Bohemian, and wannabe corporate lawyers just don't gel with that image at all.

I've been thinking of how to hit the ground running once I move over to the UK. I have a semblance of what I want and what I'm going to achieve in the first three months there. I know it seems neurotic for a fresh undergrad to do that, but in all honesty I know that I'm trying to overcompensate. I just hope I can take big enough strides to close that gap or even maintain it, lest it widens yet again.