Days are longer than you think

I realised how long a day is. The entries on Monday felt kind of foreign to me, but that's just two days ago.

I realised how fast my mood swings in a day. Sleeping became a problem yesterday because I was just thinking of S and I felt empty inside - I wished I understood myself and my brain better. It's ironic - my only lesson yesterday was about neurons and our brains and it's just breathtaking how little we know about the thing that forms part of everyone of us. It feels surreal that I wrote so many entries yesterday, and each and every one had a different emotion in it.

But S, yes. Were it not for good safety videos (props to AirNZ as usual, the last two Qantas ones and even American Airlines acknowledging customers have choices), I would probably have cried myself to sleep. I don't understand why he triggers such an effect in me. I'm ashamed.

Anyway, well - things will get better. It will.

Nonetheless today was pretty rad! Although I was bummed by the fact the finance office was closed yesterday, it was quite good to see the two ladies who I felt would have become good classmates of mine were it not for the fact I left. I honestly thought I let them down yesterday, but that's over. I submitted the withdrawal form today and suddenly walking through the school felt infinitesimally better.

To be honest I was worrying what was taking my passport so darn long - since today is day sixteen, and they pledged to have it done in fifteen else they'll email an explanation. No emails of explanation was forthcoming. Nonetheless the email finally came to beckon me to collect my orphaned passport. Yet it's honestly a bit irritating given the fact I've to rush down tomorrow, rather than being at the right place and the right time to collect like today was. It doesn't help that Friday's a public/bank holiday. Grrr.

I was surprisingly efficient today as well - got my exit permit done as well after worrying for eons about inefficiencies in the system - so that's rad. I managed to shear off three of the most important things/worries in one day. I expected that day to be yesterday - maybe it was just a telling sign I really ought to take a chill pill and let things take its natural course than force my way through.

It's still a bit hard to believe I'm fifteen days away from Bristol. That's two weeks and a day. I've spent two weeks in a row doing nothing before, yet my days now are getting longer and more hectic. I love it. It puts my mind off silly thoughts about loneliness, but hey, I'll be better.

M

About S

I just happened to think of S out of the blue, and since my writing needs some practice - I guess it wouldn't be that bad to dedicate an entire entry to writing about S.

I've looked up to S since I've known him at... the age of 13 I believe. S is three years older than me, and somehow it's very comforting to see his presence in school. We weren't on close terms then, and soon he disappeared from my life since he moved on with school. Nonetheless, in the age of social media and the yesteryears where privacy wasn't a priority for most - it was easy to see how S actually progressed - he went on to do pretty well where he was, and then after a couple of years went to serve the army. Despite so I've always wondered how he's doing, since S isn't really an active social media user, and most of the clues on how he has been doing are all gleaned through his friends.

Meeting S again happened to be this chance occurrence at this event when I was 16, and S was in the midst of serving his mandatory conscription. S looked exactly how he was when I was younger - the person I looked up to, and someone I could take as a brotherly figure. S actually recognised my presence at the event and I happened to have the chance to speak to him at length. That was a pretty amazing day, and I probably wouldn't forget it.

And so we started talking over virtual methods of communication - and when it started, it went on and on. I'd talk to S every weekend after he was out of his army camp, and we'll talk until after midnight and beyond. Being 17-ish I honestly engaged in quite a number of inane discussion - stuff that I will never talk about these days, but it was honestly great. It was great to have his ear - to have someone who will listen. Yet, there was one thing about S - S never told me much about what he was doing, and even when asked S would offer very little details. I didn't think much of it, and I honestly thought it wasn't nice of me to ask too much, anyway. And hence that lovely yet lopsided conversation happened for four odd years - through his years in mandatory conscription, through my years in mandatory conscription, until earlier this year. Somehow we've managed to talk at so much length despite the fact we've only met up twice in the intervening period.

And here's the bit I've mentioned this bit before. Towards the end of the four year period, S became a bit more manipulative and controlling - and terms that he used to call me as a form of (brotherly?) affection felt more like terms of control and subservience. It didn't help that I lost my cool quite a few times - I felt he went a bit overboard and pushed me into a corner where I could not just simply tell him to stop because he doesn't acknowledge it. It didn't help that he knew everything about me - because I told him about all my troubles and worries. Worries that my parents and siblings probably don't know. Troubles and internal conflicts that only he knows. I began feeling that these things were turning against me - and S was using them against me. That if a spanner were thrown into the conversation and our relationship, it was undoubtedly my fault, because I'm "emotionally labile". I'm not - I just don't know how to express my frustrations with the never-ending problems that he was not taking any note of, and yet keep my cool with him.

I felt things were going south and so I decided to end it in January. It was an emotional rollercoaster, since it went from being close to utterly distant in the matter of weeks. I don't know how S took it, but I don't think it ever affected him at all. It had a bad emotional toll on me - some of my nights were just spent crying since there was this void in the night that S used to fill that was now gone. Yet I knew I had to do this because I really need to gain back a little bit of my sanity, and stop double-guessing myself because someone else treats me in a way that made me feel like I'm not deserving of anything.

I thought I've gotten over it by April. Trying to be the best person I could be, I wished him a happy birthday over Facebook on the day itself, and then hopped myself on a flight to China, where Facebook was banned and I wouldn't have to deal with the immediacy of any replies that might be forthcoming.

China was great. I really enjoyed my week without social media and getting my news and information from reading English Wikipedia, since BBC and the like were all inaccessible. I really thought I was fine with things, and mature enough to deal with issues.

I came back from Shanghai after that week seeing his replies and I stupidly decided to reply. Whilst on a conscious state of mind I wished him a happy birthday privately because I was gobsmacked to find that no one posted on his page (which would have limited our contact time), and chose to do so privately; perhaps on a subconscious state of mind I really wished him well and hope he was fine.

April and May was tumultuous for me in the fact that I had to alternate between S apologising the very first time since I've returned to Singapore, to the point that things were just bad, and I tried to be as impersonal as possible in my replies since I didn't want to bear that kind of pain again.

Obviously I suffered when things went awry, but it was better the second time round. I told MH at the point of time - I just wanted to help S be a better person, and I don't know why S treated me that way when he never was like this. I dragged myself into a situation I should never have done, and it felt like at times like I stabbed myself. Perhaps I should have been nicer - perhaps that would have been better, but I had my heart to protect. He ended the entire thing after he said it was getting too difficult to talk to me, and wished me well.

I hope that was genuine, I really don't know. I asked myself whether I've did the right thing throughout, and I really doubted my judgement. I resorted later to showing some of my texts with S to a few other close friends (that don't know S); had our names blanked out and asked what they thought about it.

Many thought S was being a tool and a jerk. It was a bit jarring to hear that.

I'm not sure if S changed in this intervening period of four years, but nonetheless I still love S a lot as a friend. I hope he does well. The emotions still stings till this day, and writing this wasn't the smoothest emotional ride I've ever had. 

I wonder whether it's uncommon to love your friends, and to love them so hard. I do. I'm such a little sucker but that's who I am personally. I don't know whether I'll ever be close to S again in my entire life but S taught me before that "everything happens for a reason", and perhaps this did as well. Perhaps It's for learning and being better in dealing my future friends, perhaps it's about telling me that maybe I'm really a bit too sensitive about things and need to take a chill pill. Perhaps it is preparation for getting to know S all over again and that these chats were just with the right person at the wrong time. I don't know, but at least this experience made me stand on my own two feet and made me a much more independent person in nature. Rather than confiding in people, I have a blank sheet of paper to type on here. Similarly, I display a little less emotion and give people a little less information lest I get hurt again. They aren't good traits per se, but they are traits I need to have were I need to protect myself from the range and depth of my own emotions.

Anyway, this is probably the most complete thing I've ever written about S, and probably will be the only one. As much as this is cathartic, this is also for posterity. I hope to look back on this post in future and say confidently that I've moved on. I hope to dust the final pieces of metaphorical blood and scabs off my heart. It's really time I should - and I'm far overdue even despite the fact I tell myself it's the last time every single time.

Maybe I will never heal, and that's okay. I'll look back at the chats and time with S with fondness, but go on with life, and move forward. That's it. That's really what matters.

Resolution

Massive cringe.

I took the time to re-read what I wrote today and what I wrote yesterday. I'm honestly not happy at all. It's not because of the cheesiness inherent in my entries, but the simple fact that my English went right out of the window and many sentences were so awkward to read.

I've truly lost my ability to write, after serving the army. (This sentence once ended with "write in the army", which makes zero sense with respect to what I was trying to convey. This is beyond worrying. I'm scared.)

This feels horrible - since I do pride myself for being able to make cogent arguments. One of the most important things in making sound arguments would the ability to write. It seems that I've lost that ability, and I'm really bad at this now.

It's even scarier given that I'm heading to university in just a matter of days, and that writing and crafting essays is a major component of my degree.

What shall I do? I'm paralysed with fear, but I do know that fear wouldn't be adequate nor useful in solving this problem. It's time like this where I don't appreciate the services my amygdalae render.

Perhaps I should write more. Type more, and catch myself making mistakes and correcting them. (I just did that for the preceding sentence - goodness me.) Continue reading all my articles from a multitude of sources and note carefully how and what to write. Write short sentences, and don't make my sentences too convoluted so that people can understand my train of thought. Read how my peers and how other people write, and note how language is used to create a certain (desired) effect.

I don't feel at all calm, but I cannot despair. Writing is what makes me who I am. Writing is the tool I use to express myself. I'm overwhelmed with fear - because I can no longer write properly, and that means I wouldn't be able to express my thoughts and feelings in the best way possible. Yet, I know I should have a little faith.

Just a little bit of faith - that I will improve and get my writing back on track. I know I'll be fine. I will. I just got to keep trying, and keep that faith that I'll improve, slowly but steadily.

M

Frustrating inefficiency

Second post of the day (I probs should temper my writing, but hell nah since it's such a lovely pastime and no one judges!)

I honestly had lingering doubts about going to Bristol since you know, it's no LSE/UCL and I was thinking whether I was mental for giving up two local schools ranked 11 and 15 in the world. And then I was in the library (this local university's library, mind you) just minding my own business and learning my neurons, and at the table in front of me laid a textbook that someone left behind.

And what's so surreal is that it's in the field I wanted/will be studying in. And on a closer look - boom - I recognised the name of the author - and it's one of the profs who teaches at Bristol in my course of study. And then I went to look at the unit outline for that module and I was surprised it was a core textbook (and written with another of the Bristol lecturers), alongside another textbook co-written by the former Finnish Prime Minister.

te deum! ex-PM Alexander Stubb. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THAT CHIN-DESK. he runs marathons and triathlons - faster than Tony Abbott, and probably much fitter than all of us :(

I know I'm going off-tangent here, but I do hope I will look like ex-PM Stubb at his age. He's 49, and he looks great, sans the wrinkles. Probably possible if I'm not lazy. Like I mean - this is supposedly how us Asians are supposed to age:

It's probably utterly possible.

Anyway back to topic: So, I was wondering: why study here about that subject when you can learn it from the horses' mouth? On my supposedly last day in this local university it's honestly a clear signal that I should go.

That's about the only good thing that happened for the day however. Hmm. Everything that could go wrong went wrong after that I felt.

1. I was told by the poor dude dealing with my medical review in the army couldn't find a reschedule date before I leave for the UK - so I'll probably have to do it in December. It's such a pity since I wanted to wrap up loose ends but nahhhhh. Anyway it's one more excuse to hop back to Singapore for a little while and a little refuge from the cold so that's cool with me!
2. You know about that withdrawal form? They needed me to pay the finance guys a visit for obvious reasons (ie not hiding gold bars/stealing money/owing fees they would rather use to come out with another department named after an acronym) and they're only open during lunchtime on three working days. What the flying flute. Think about that - the finance office of a university opens to the public only three working days for three hours. So, I gotta go down tomorrow to get that done. To hell with them, they deserve their crap ranking. HMMPH.
3. My passport isn't ready for collection, and I've hearing zilch from the visa guys although they promised that it will be done within fifteen working days. Today, my friends, is DAY FIFTEEN. It's darn frustrating to not have your passport in a country of a few hundred square kilometres - I'm utterly annoyed. TF did warn me before that UKVI is inefficient as hell, but he changed it to 'UK is inefficient'. I didn't expect this level of inefficiency, though! Should have know better - there must be some truth if that's coming from a Brits' mouth.
4. I collected my chest x-ray report and they were like 'oh noes' we don't have film. Which is annoying but fine since they have a CD copy of the x-ray and gave it to me, but I got into a big altercation with my mother (which honestly is losing her cognitive sense at times) saying that I should be printing the CD copy on A4 paper. It hurts for me to explain since she just refuses to get it. UGH. Went home and told my sister about the entire hullabaloo, and she was like 'who the eff prints x-rays on A4 white paper?'. Damn. Sometimes I hate my sister's guts but sometimes she's such a godsend.

Oh and lessons! I think I kind of screwed up the neuron bits and I feel really bad for that - but hey it wasn't easy and the professor said it herself when she taught us post-activity. It was incredibly interesting though! For example - do you know that apparently there are nasal erectile tissues? No?

Good luck looking into his/her nose, trying to tell whether he/she/it/they have the hots for ya ;)

Also I was checking out this dude across the room because he had such lovely ideal-size pecs and deltoids I'd want to have on myself. Mhmm. (lel what were you thinking?) It's a long drawn process to train that, but if I get there, dayum. I'd be stoked. But first, patience! I still have my gut to work on, and whilst it's not much of it left, I should concentrate on that indeed. I wonder if there's any secret in having no fat on the side yet still being really huggable. Things to research on.

I'll end this here, but do not fret: I WILL BE BACK.

(mwahaha I love being so random and just plain silly - I hope people love me for that too!)

I DON'T CAAAARE

Uhmm okay!

I honestly think I've been too damn stoic in my entries! Like I should really chill the fuck out and have fun with this!

Don't mind me if I go crazy bwahaha. I love going crazy - I should channel my inner craziness here! My family probably has had enough of me going silly heh. :D

Anyway, last day of the local university and then I'll get my withdrawal form in; and hope for the best UKVI gives me back my damn passport soon!

Y U NO COME BACK FASTERRRR!

Anyway yesterday night was rad - really spent hours talking to MH and completely forgot I needed to read about neurons and teach my group about it for this last lesson (hurhur - maybe I'm not as conscientious as I believe myself to be). Waking up in the morn was weirdly fresh (after four hours of sleep?) and the first thing I thought of was Adventure Time's Lumpy Space Prince singing I DON'T CAAAAARE:

Like yeah THAT, the first thing in the morn! I think I've really gone to the stage I'm giving no fucks about things that don't matter like acquaintances (a la L's style) and about how people view me. MH asked me if I was afraid of S - I told him no, but things will probs be awks as hell if I were to bump into him in the UK.

Today's gonna be a good day. My braces are off but I've got my retainers now - and they're so lovely! It's not totally wired like the traditional retainers of the day (which is the best for keeping teeth straight), nor the Invisalign-ish type (transparent and aesthetic), but it has a transparent wire across it so it has the best of both worlds!

One more class and one withdrawal form next. Sixteen more days to go - sixteen before my next chapter in life!

Welcome to Bristol

I'm actually quite glad that I was suffering a little writer's block just now, because it really made me think through what I wanted to say and in perhaps the best way possible.

I know people can be filled with a lot of negativity and toxicity and to some extent I see that in myself. But the fact that I've decided not to entertain these thoughts straight on - by not verbalising them and to get sucked into me perhaps have made me a better person to be acquainted with.

I know there's quite a number of things in general in which I could have done better or that I can improve on, but to just treat myself harshly and to tell myself that I'm worth crap as a result of my shortcoming would have been utterly defeatist and wholly ineffective in getting to where I wish I could be.

In that aspect I am hoping to keep the optimist side of me when writing, because I know that if I allow my long-latent negativity seep into my writing, it will only proliferate and back into my head as menacing thoughts.

It's not that I'm trying to act that 'everything is fine'. Things rarely are fine, and I acknowledge that. I don't try to act that I'm contented with life as it is. I'm not.

I talked to TF (the dude who's flying in an Avro from Newcastle) about what I should do with life, and I've gotten quite a different perspective. He's Brit, but he's not white and he has lived in quite a few different countries since his childhood. Whilst I can certainly beat up myself for not being in LSE/UCL/Oxbridge, he reminded me where I am and that how I'm already doing pretty well. And he's right. I'm honestly, honestly still stuck in my pre-university era where everyone (I knew, at least) was a genius, and it doesn't help that my sister is in the same school and that she's pretty much a semi-genius as well. I need to get that out of my head and that whilst I'm not one of those geniuses, if I do work harder and pace myself well I'd be doing well.

I took the time to look at people's Instagram posts - and especially a few Asians living in United Kingdom. I don't happen to have that insidious jealously waiting to whip me for living an utterly meh life with respect to these people (since they ain't competition to me) - instead, through all these figures who are a bit older than me I can see what life can become if I do maintain my perseverance. It's pretty rad because I can see myself in that.

I've come to terms that I'm off in seventeen days, and I've just received a snail mail from the University with all the info and maps of the city in the last hour. A nice touch, really. They were the only ones who bothered to send me a snail mail after getting an offer (you guys are lovely), and I was just poring through it and seeing what I could do. I know I want to get myself into some volunteer work. Study hard, certainly; and meet L and our friends in London and find TF up north. It's a bit deflating to hear the gym's not really near where I live - I'm come far enough to look decent, but I wanna look dayum in a suit. But, hey doing a sport seems interesting. I've did it, sure, even competitively before, but that was years past. Maybe it's time to restart.

I really hope I can leave my demons away here in Singapore, and do this well. It's pretty uplifting to have a little bit of faith in myself, and I know I will thrive in a foreign environment where the desires and obligations of my family and living with them aren't an impediment anymore. That is a reason why I'm actively lobbying my sister to choose different UK schools to apply, or stay here in NUS to do her course (since it's a professional course anyway) - notwithstanding the fact that she needs to learn to be independent and can't act like any sassy bitch dependent on her boyfriend (not that she's one). I find that there's where I differ from my sister's in general - because I'm the oldest and that just begets responsibility, sometimes you do too much to the detriment of them. Yet my parents have never nudged them in that way and hence my point is moot.

This will be great. I really should be less harsh of myself - I've done the impossible and the highly unlikely before - I have the ability to do the impossible even more so than anyone I've known. If I told most of my teachers in pre-university I'm headed to Bristol their jaw would have dropped. That's how little faith they had in me. I used to have an inferiority complex when talking to S, but thinking about it - I've lost it the time I decided enough was enough.

I don't lack anything. Yes, I could be less harsh on myself, I could have more belief in myself, but ultimately it's just because I'm not confident enough in myself. I totes should. And go in with an open mind, and be chillax as a flying flute as I usually am, and be brilliant and unconventionally great in such a way I'd bring the house down.

That's the goal, and that's a damn fine goal. Good luck to me. I'll be more than fine.

Boring-ception

Writer's block.

Gaaaah. It's incredibly frustrating because there's so much stuff waiting to get out of me. I need to get my own sense of peace and yet what I'm dealing with is just a jumble of emotions and worries and everything under the sun.

It's extremely annoying as well because people who know me in real life think I'm just utterly fine and chillax to the point of being boring. I'm not boring, eff you, but I know that if I do/say anything out of the blue I'll probably be taken as some utter Bohemian dude breathing fire a la Toothless' style. And while that's not boring it's unconventional, but you know what? People's sense of interesting in this goddamn Lion City is so utterly conventional that it's boring. Hell, what's interesting to its inhabitants is just tepidly boring and they don't realise it.

Gosh.

And while I fume and act the damn goat, here's a little bit of my utterly unconventional music taste. I do hope I can get tickets and watch her perform live in Bristol in November, but I'm deathly worried about the twenty-minutes walk back home at 10pm. I've walked back to my hotel past midnight in Melbourne CBD before, but Melb's totes diff.

Weird intelligence

I've named this post after a thing SW (a close but older mutual friend of mine and MH) said just literally minutes ago about a trait that binds us three, so apologies if it doesn't make sense with the rest of this post (that was largely written before SW said that).

Anyway, tomorrow's going to be my last day at the local university, and then I'm going to head straight off after class to submit my withdrawal form.

I know I'm taking a huge risk given that my UK visa isn't approved yet (I'm hoping I get the email within the next two days), but I don't think I can stay there any longer regardless. I've only been there for a week (discounting the fact I did a module there in the summer) but I've gotten incredibly tired of the people and the place - there's no life in it, and while it prides itself for the massive amount of extracurricular activities it has and its links with industry; it just feels goddarn corporate.

Hell no. I had a lesson last Wednesday where the professor asked everyone of us to tell the class about one interesting thing that happened over the summer break and 90 percent of it is just about "oh I went on a trip to South Korea, and they're so different, they're so chill, unlike Singapore". Hell, there wasn't even much variation with regards to the country (it's either goddamn South Korea or Japan half of the time).

And I just talked about going to this other summer school in the other university (there's a lot of foreigners in that one, since it's not held by that university but by the international association in the field of study), and talking to this Kazakh lady in which Kazakh happens only to be her fourth language - then going on to explain why was that the case and the wider implication of using the Russian language versus Kazakh in post-Soviet Kazakhstan, and how the problem came about.

I felt what I said was pretty meh, but what I got from the class (I was sitting at the back) was people looking in awe. Like what the hell? I kinda felt like if I remained in this school I'll probably regress and not learn anything new.

I really, really hope that the UK would be different, but at the same time L and my mother (who happened to study in the UK before) told me not to get my hopes up and expect things to be worse. L has been complaining about how the Masters students in her university aren't really that bright - which is kind of a worry for me because I wanted to go there for my Masters (sigh). I'm honestly not used to this after the kind of company I had in pre-university, but there's nothing I can change. I'm starting to regret not being closer to a lot more people in pre-u, but I didn't like many of them. I found many were either airheads that were only focused on memorising, else they were the kind who networked and backstabbed to get further in life. I'm quite glad my class was nothing of the sort (bar a select one or two), and I'm really extremely grateful that I got to know L and MH - and that we'll all be in the UK at the same time! :P


A few other things (to hell to the point form, so I do apologise if it seems a bit disjointed):

I've been actively looking at people's Instagram posts on explore and I'm starting to be really glad not to be one of those dudes doing law. It has been in my radar for the longest of time, until I switched it up and chose to do something closer to my heart which isn't far away from law. I knew I didn't want to practice as a lawyer even if I wanted to do law, and I'd be dumb to put myself in all the competition if that's the case. While some do really well (like a number of my acquaintances doing internships in NYC), some don't. And those are the ones who didn't get into Oxbridge/the three London schools/Bristol/Warwick/Durham but things further down - like Exeter or Sheffield. I do worry about how they are going to get a job - especially if they're heading back to Singapore to work - when there's a glut of lawyers in the job market anyway. I think many people get blinded by the bling of the law career when it's just utterly crap when you're not one of those performing well/in the top schools, and that there wasn't anyone who knew better to stop them before they fall into the rabbit-hole. In that aspect I'm glad that I've decided to steer away from that, but I know I need to be wary as well. I'm not in the London schools nor Oxbridge, and I'm not doing a professional degree, so I have to be careful about the tightrope I'm walking.

Swiss withdrew their Avros out of service just a few days ago. I'm a little bit annoyed despite being quite sure this will happen sooner or later, but that means I can't catch one of the Swiss Avro birds when in the UK, pfft. A British friend of mine's gonna catch one on Cityjet from Newcastle, but he's planned it on (of all days) day two of my university term, and Newcastle's a bitch to get up from the south, so I can't catch it with him. Ah well.

My mother's being a lot less belligerent in the way that I think she realised how hurtful it is to throw the financial blackmail card on me. I know she had personal experience dealing with that in her youth, but nonetheless I don't think it gives you the right to do it to other people. This was the thing I actually prepared an entry about but decided to hold it off, and I think this paragraph suffices in lieu of that. To be honest, it's a big relief, and that's great because I can spend more time actually gearing myself up in university and thinking what to do next after this.

My weight's stagnating, but I believe it's just a temporary thing before I head over to the UK, since I've been indulging a little bit more on things and I can't keep off sugar for an extended period of time (I don't think you realise how insidious they are if you don't cook yourself). It's quite hilarious that my younger sister (she's athletic as hell) and my mother has been complaining about how they feel fat for eating, but they're still eating the same things. Especially my mother - I've been telling her to lay off the sugar to no avail. She'll be in the UK for a period of time with me before my school term starts, and I'm hoping to wean her off sugar before I dump her (and her luggage full of new clothes) on her flight back to Singapore. Ten days can do wonders if you're disciplined enough.

It's been three months since I've catalogued all the things I wanted to do with my life and their associated files/documents in this Dropbox folder of mine and it's a wonder how much progress I've made. Despite so, I'm still a long way off. But hey, I've started, and it's only gonna get better. I hope I can look back in another three months' time and offer myself another pat on the back, and hopefully get one of those projects done and closed.

I guess that's it for today!

A little reflection

I know I promised that particular entry yesterday, but I'm still sitting on it and thinking how I should edit it, and whether I should ultimately publish it.

Nonetheless I'm glad that this has evolved into a space where I can actually air my own problems/opinions without getting judged, and where I can be relatively free from being worried that someone might find out of it anyway.

In fact I'm at a stage where I don't really worry if people actually find out about it, because it's not as personal as I thought it would be. I'm still not sharing at a stage where I did with S, so it's still okay for me.

--

I've steadily realised that this form of writing brings about a cathartic release that I don't often get. I don't have the kind of support system most people have - or maybe I do, but the fact that I usually dwell on a problems on a numeral magnitude higher than other people, my support system is inadequate in handling the crap I throw at it. I'm not even twenty-one yet, yet my hair's graying and I'm stressed at the crossroads of life. I know I haven't started university, but when I went through my old notebooks there were musings and plans about what I need to do and what I should do - and we're talking about stuff that I conceivably can't do until later in life.

Yet there's this feeling of uneasiness that I can't shake off. I've lost two years to mandatory conscription. I know that I did adequately during the two years outside of the army for my own life, and although I'm in a decent position of strength (going a pretty decently-ranked/well-ranked university in one of the few countries the scholars tend to go), there's something about it that's unnerving. I went for one of my "classes" at one of the local university (before I tender my withdrawal next week) - and I met one of my acquaintances/classmate (?) that I knew from pre-university. It was certainly unsettling (to me) to hear how much he's getting done - taking his ACCA papers (for an accounting professional qualification) that he managed to study during his time serving the army, and continuing it now whilst juggling a heavy workload in school. I'm unsettled not because he's taking a heavy workload - I know he's capable of and I'm certainly happy for him - but it's unsettling because I'm not doing the same. Somehow I feel that I need to one-up other people if I want to achieve progress. It's not about just getting a first-class degree from a reputable university, but the fact that my reputable university needs to compare with respect to other people's reputable university and that I need to achieve more than others. 

Yet I wonder whether I'm doing this because I'm just naturally competitive or that I just need to prove myself to other people and so not get judged by them. Yet L had this very apt piece of advice for me about worrying about people judging you:

L: There are only two types of people in your life

L: Friends or acquaintances

L: Friends won't judge you

L: Acquaintances don't actually give a fuck about your life

And she's right. She goes on to mentioned that being judged is a very East Asian form of behaviour, where people need to see the point of competing to people and actually bringing people down to quell their own insecurities in life. She's right.

In fact, by extension, aren't we all much better if we set our sights forward, rather than having to guard our rear - ie spending energy worrying about people judging us, or spending energy judging people to bring them down? Perhaps we really all are. Perhaps L's right, and that I should spend more time looking how to charge forward, and in my own way, rather than compare myself to other people and live a second-rate version of other people's life.

Qantas' safety video

Today hasn't been the best of days, but I'm going to let the issue simmer and send the entry I have written sit for a while before it goes out.

Meanwhile, here's Qantas' safety video for this year. It's pretty nice, and pretty apt for me because the first place in it - St Kilda's Pier - was the first main place I managed to visit on the first night in Melbourne and enjoyed. It was the place I met the penguin lady who inspired me somehow as well about community service.

I've felt some true warmth from it that resonates with my trip and visiting people I knew, and it happens to get quite an amount of bad flak from my mother because of an one-off incident, and from Singaporeans because they don't supposedly compare well to Singapore Airlines.

My Qantas legs throughout my trip gave me the exact opposite impression, and it made me feel that I shouldn't judge a book by its cover, like many Singaporeans do. Qantas ranks highly for me, although it doesn't for others.

It helps that their CEO is gay and actively pushing for gay marriage legislation in Australia. Let's hope the postal vote goes well.

Enjoy.

I know it sounds a bit cryptic now, but you'll know what I'm getting at when I have that entry I've decided not to publish today published tomorrow.

Braces off + short end of the stick

Yesterday was a great day.

My braces are finally off after two years, and it's so lovely not having to bother with the wires and see my teeth being so straight. My ortho has done an amazing job, and it can't be any better.

It's a good start, and it is a goodbye to a relic that harkens back to the era of my mandatory conscription, so that's even better. Hell, I even realised the exact day of the welcome ceremony in the university I'm going to head is on my birthday itself, so hurray.

I know I have a fetish for coincidences and dates. But there's something so serendipitous about it that intrigues me.

I digress, but I do wonder who is going to take the time to wish me on my birthday, but I guess I can think about it later.

Today I read kenn-do's blog again and there was a new entry about his ex and about how he cheated on him.

I was wondering why considerate nice people always happen to get the short end of the stick. I didn't expect today to be the day that I read about heartbreak, about people who don't cherish nice people and about people who bear the brunt of that.

I feel so helpless because I don't know what to say. I feel so helpless because it's not the first time this is happening to someone and I don't know what to do. MH was the receiving end of a girl who didn't cherish him. ID had his boyfriend cheat on him as well - and it's even disgustingly so when you know who they are. I could certainly continue and list out even more cases, but you get my drift. These people I've known are kind, considerate, caring beings. Why do people treat them in these ways? Are kind and considerate people easy to take advantage of, or are there just so many jerks around?

I know how it felt when S betrayed me, and he's just a goddamn friend. It must hurt ten times worse if the other party is your lover. S made me so worried about sharing stuff with other people because I feel they are going to get a hold at me, like S did. Now that I'm reflecting on it, I wasn't just manipulated, I was probably gaslighted on.

I really have little faith in things, but I think they are justified. I don't think I've any hope left in this mystical thing called love when everyone's having bad experiences with jerks left right and centre. You just can't escape them.

And honestly, this doesn't come at a better (worse?) timing. I found my parents' separation letter two days ago, dated from years past, nestled between other pretty important documents. I vividly remember those times, where I knew shit hit the fan and being an utterly young boy, didn't know what to do. I remember tales of cheating. I remember screams across phones, and the usually absent parent abroad being accused of something. I was wondering to ask one of them about the separation letter in my hand, but I decided against. My sister was just beside me and I decided to discreetly keep the documents rather than show her, and asking would have not been good for anyone. She doesn't remember a thing about the entire thing. Neither does the other one. They were far too young. If that's the case, the least I could do is to maintain a good impression of that parent than to shatter the image.

In light of that I'm wondering now if they're actually married; and if they are, is it in name and 'for the kids'? Nothing has changed about the periodic absence of the absent parent in the name of work. I've always been much closer with the present parent than the other, until this year where a couple of trips took us a bit closer.

Those documents have reopened it, and I'm not sure how to feel anymore. I remember the time a close friend told me and MH about her own failed relationship from years ago and her kids, and how her eldest always wants attention from his father - which never gave any after he left.

I was just wondering - would I have been in the same position as her son if things happened in that way?

Either way, I really have no faith in relationships anymore.

Does the perfect guy exist?

I happened to be dragged into this conversation where they were talking about this friend/acquaintance of ours and someone described him as 'the perfect guy'. I do think he's truly approaching perfection in the way that physically he's really 'tall and handsome' (her words), pretty cute (my words); and he's kind, really bright, humble and has an amazing personality.

He (and in the past, S) are people that I really respect because of the traits they have and who they are as a person. To be honest it's been my goal to try to emulate them (and I've been trying hard to); but I know I can't reach that level so I'm stoked if I can reach a considerable level, be somewhat like them, and yet still not lose any bit of my individuality.

I digress though - so, 1) is it possible to be perfect, or is perfection an asymptote that people can approach but never reach? And 2) does the perfect guy exist?

--

I haven't said this but the last week has been kind to me. Although I've still been plagued by late morning starts and sleeping in, there are small little victories that made me feel better about life and things in general.

1. I managed to completely cut off social media for a day by accident - I happened to be busy dealing with some documents - but it made me feel really good in a sense that I managed to keep it off (even if it's just for a day!). That felt amazing partly because I found myself not subconsciously comparing my life with others (first world problems), and yet more time to myself - even if I was busy accomplishing something else. That's the problem though - I always need someone to keep me busy else I'd get bored.
   
2. I was on my Instagram feed (irony!) and I saw a bunch of grown-ups playing musical chairs. If I was younger and lost that game I think I might have just lose it. Yep, that's how competitive I am. Yet if I were to play the same thing today I don't think I'd care. I'm not sure whether subconsciously I know that there are bigger things to care about, or that I've just conceded to the fact that competition always whacks me in the balls so hard every time that I know better than to challenge it face on these days. Nonetheless my personal take on this is that I'm better at competing with people without sinking a bunch of friendships (and my own reputation), so, heh.
   
3. I'm finally starting to feel that if I do ever see S again, I'll be able to strike up a nice regular conversation without feeling a tad bit awkward. It's taken a long enough time, but I'm finally good and that's what matters. I happen to went back and read some of our chats and while much of it was nice, I'm glad I managed to back out when I started feeling manipulated and I managed to hold my ground during that disastrous attempt of him restarting conversation. I needed the rest, the time to reflect, recharge and recalibrate myself; and wean off my built-up reliance on him which managed to allowed him get a hold of me.
   
4. I've managed to got myself back in writing regularly enough?! That's just a feat in itself. I'm proud of ya, M.

I'm going to end this off with a comic from one of my favourite comic artists, Shen, whom you can find either as Owlturd or Bluechair on the interwebs. His comics tend to speak to people in really intimate ways. Here's one on "if you wanna be perfect you better get started NOWWWWW".

THIS APPLIES FOR EVERYTHING, PEOPLE.

Friday night

My Friday night was a wet one - it was literally raining cats and dogs today. I haven't seen a rainy night happen for quite a while, so I spent quite a considerable amount of time watching the rain hit the glass windows in my room - in the dark.

A cold somewhat-dark place has always been my favourite spot to be because it feels like no one else can notice my presence and that I can fade into the dark, where I gel. I can't help but feel really small, and really out in sync with others. I see how my friends are doing okay and getting along in life in local universities and I'd just think to myself - no way in hell I could even survive - not because I'd drown in work, but the fact is that I think people wouldn't want to hang out with me anyway.

--

I had time tonight - and I knew I wasn't going to blankly stare at a window for hours on end so I decided to read (and re-read) some blogs. I know my own writing has turned from abhorrent to utterly abysmal and I need to learn for others!

kenn-do's one still interests me the most and it's quite interesting to see how attitudes and issues have changed - some for the better, some for the worst, and some in just perpetual merry-go-round. I was hoping he read back on his own entries from year's past to see how life always oscillates between the ultra-good, the absolute horrid and meh in general. And to see how much he actually grown throughout the years, and that things will be life if you give it time.

I'm being totally hypocritical here - because I'm still wallowing deep in my own doubts and insecurities. Nonetheless I took the entire bunch of logs that I've written to myself before I started this, and read through how my own emotions have changed and how I was then versus now. It's nice to know that I've grown as a person but it's pretty sad to revisit the fact that I'm no longer talking to the people who once mattered a lot to me, or that we're just conversing much less.

Anyway, here's something from what I wrote in September (?) last year. It was formatted as in a poetic form there, which probably is damn effing pretentious now thinking about it. I think it says a lot about my state of mind on certain issues and probably quite apt with all the stuff going around today - hell, it probably is apt at any point in time in human history.

I'm not sure if I still have that fire in me to care that much about any issue today, though.

The matches that matter
are not the ones
between Man U and Leicester City
between Federer and Nadal
not the ones
that pay millions to its maker
in endorsements nor in signing fees
but
the ones in Westminster, in the Riigikogu
in Parliament
between parties - and ideas and values and beliefs
of which what is at stake
is no mere win or loss nor some money
but the futures of the young
the plight of the down and out
the economy and the employed and the unemployed
and to society and the society as a whole
that - is what's at stake

Making decisions

I have been so free that I can wake up and have no idea which day of the week it is. To that extent I've been trying to mitigate that by doing stuff with my life (and time), but I've invariably been failing. Remember about learning LaTeX? I gave that up halfway after I took too long to get the code to work properly (for example getting the dependencies in! trying to get another font to just work!), and then weighed the pro and cons of learning LaTeX versus using Word/LibreOffice and it didn't match up. At least now I can say that I can type a bit of math equations with LaTeX - which is the only bit that really matters - and how word processors work and the difference between acronyms like WYSIWYG and WYSIWYM (essentially, what you see is what you get/mean). Despite so I've managed to pick up Markdown in no time, so that's good because hey at least I've managed to learn something! Whether or not it's all useful is very much up for debate, though.

The local universities have started or are about to start their school term. It suddenly dawned upon me that I haven't submitted my withdrawal form for my placing at one of the local universities, after receiving an email from the professor asking the class to make preparations for lessons next week.

Next week? Next week?! I'm not ready yet.

UKVI hasn't gotten back on my visa application yet, and while it seems like eons ago that I paid a visit to the visa application centre it's only been seven damn working days. That means I'm still less-than-halfway to getting a decision. I've planned to submit my withdrawal only when I've gotten a definitive answer, but now I'm stuck in this dilemma where I would either have to spend time attending lessons next week and even the week after, or withdraw prematurely without a backup plan.

Decisions, decisions.

D minus one month

August 14th.

Exactly a month left before I'm heading off to the UK. It's pretty daunting because I really don't know what to expect over there. Especially the competition academically.

I told L my concerns the other day and she was like "don't worry lah, they're all so un-bright - especially all the masters students I get in contact with." I'm not sure whether to take comfort in that - she's freaking bright and she might have had a much different experience dominating her competition compared to what I might feel. I mean - well, she lost a grand total of 40 points off the full score on the old SAT - that's just simply amazing.

If anything, I'm a much lesser version of her. So I get doubly worried when she faces obstacles in her time in London, because I know if she does, I'll just go through the same and end up much worse off.

I'm probably thinking too much. S used to tell me to have more confidence in myself. Even my mother was talking about how I shouldn't be viewing myself as one which is not as stellar as the rest. But when you're accustomed at performing badly at the back of the rat race it's not a fear one can let go easily.

My head hurts, and I'm still figuring how to learn LaTeX, so I'm going to end this entry early right here today.

Three things

I realised I shouldn't be writing in such utterly cryptic language and it doesn't really matter to divulge a little more since no one will probably read this, hah. I have zero urge to structure things properly today, so here goes the point forms.

1. S has left for Manchester and I'm really really glad I'm not in the same city with him for at least the next nine months. Things have been especially awkward since the incident, and it's not good that S was my go-to person to confide to and I still do feel exposed in front of him. It's somewhat a breather, until my own relocation puts him near to me again. 
2. I happen to find out from the grapevine that a junior of mine just got a government scholarship. The worst days of my insecurities of not being up to par with such people are long gone, but the scars are still there. It didn't help that all my peers in the executive committee in my pre-university society were either scholars or in Oxbridge/London. But whatevs. I'm used to trying to play catch-up - I'll just keep doing that. I've been thinking on how to one-up people, but I haven't had a clue except pursuing a masters at one of the London unis with the extra one year I'd save heading to the UK to study rather than staying here.
3. I've definitively decided not to go for my university's orientation (held for students based here) before I leave. While a classmate of mine from my pre-university years (let's call him MH) have decided to go despite earlier reservations, it seems that most of the locals going there are law students - and I have no intention to let a bunch of wannabe corporate lawyers colour my perception of the university that I'll spend the next three years of my life. It's freaking ironic since that city is effing Bohemian, and wannabe corporate lawyers just don't gel with that image at all.

I've been thinking of how to hit the ground running once I move over to the UK. I have a semblance of what I want and what I'm going to achieve in the first three months there. I know it seems neurotic for a fresh undergrad to do that, but in all honesty I know that I'm trying to overcompensate. I just hope I can take big enough strides to close that gap or even maintain it, lest it widens yet again. 

One test, two countries, and three cities

What the flying flute?

I cringed when I looked back at what I wrote yesterday. I honestly sounded like I'm a lovesick dude drunk-texting my ex about my soppy feelings - that's no good at all, mein gott.

It's pretty ironic given that I've never been attached, and people who know me in real life know I'd never get drunk, ever. I rarely drink, and even if I do, I don't tend to drink enough to test my alcohol tolerance levels.

Anyway I'm glad today wasn't a bad day for me especially since I'm usually tormented by my feelings all day. Despite so I almost lost it this morning when I woke up fresh from my dreams the entire night - and every single bit of it was about S. Effing hell - it's never a good way to start any day with such a dash of bitterness and sourness and just plain sadness. Nevertheless I accompanied my younger sister to her test venue, and I'm pretty stoked she did really well for it especially since she was chanting "I'm gonna fail" the entire two hours before it, lel. Well there was a component she wasn't happy at how she scored, but I guess in life you lose some, eh?

Despite being pretty involved in her university application process it's immensely difficult to picture her going to university just a year after me. She's just feels like a little girl to me. Two years of mandatory conscription closed the gap in timings for entering university between me and her really made things a bit weird.

I'm still hoping that she'll decide to stay here to do her degree, rather than join me half the world away because I'll be deprived from peace and quiet for the rest of the other two years I'm going to stay there. Yeah nope I've pretty much decided I can't handle the stress of cooking for her.

Other than that I had some time to hang out with her after her test, and my mother found time to join us as well. It was nice, and much appreciated given the fact I'm leaving in a month's time. I'm certainly not going to have as many chances to binge-eat ice-cream or share silly moments with them, and I'll miss them. Today's trip to the museum was just amazeballs, and I've never had so much fun in a museum before.

Some might ask if I love my family so much, then why move to a place half the world away to start university? It's because - I realised that if I never break free from my home country, I'll not be able to pursue things I'd like to and I'll have to deal with the current flowing against me. It's been a struggle just trying to get people to be chill about me not eating carbs. It seems like everyone is out to judge you. I really just hope to find a less judgmental place to spend the next three to four years of my life. Volunteer, like the lady I had the pleasure to know in my first day in Melbourne who spends her nights protecting penguins on St Kilda Beach - without having anyone guess her intentions or judge her for not efficiently using her time. Go to the gym! Go to gigs of musicians or bands that none of your friends know about! Be able to do whatever the eff you want to better yourself as a person!

That's it for today I guess. This is really therapeutic. I'll probably not regret it if I force myself to write every single day, just like S did before...

And he's leaving tomorrow to go back to school. In a country I'll be, in just a month's time. 

Well yeah we're in different cities and universities but I'm reaaaalllly just crossing my fingers and hoping I don't unknowingly bump into him at some high school alumni thingum. That will really be awkward. I've always been playing the scene in my head about meeting him somehow somewhere, but till today, I haven't had a clue on what to do and how to react in such a situation. Fuck me. You're better than that, M. You're socially adept, M, despite you thinking otherwise.

And yet such a simple situation you stumble. Damn you.

But really, why did he had to tell people on Insta stories it's T-1? Is he trying to hint something?

Don't think too much about you yourself being important, M. You probably don't mean a thing to him at all.

Reset

It's been almost seven years since I've blogged - in fact, I'm just nine days short of seven full years.

Trying to form this post has been admittedly stressful. I used to be able to articulate my thoughts very well - even back then, despite the fact that reading those entries from then today feels oddly strange. With my limited vocabulary and knowledge I still do think it was a somewhat decent attempt for someone aged thirteen-turning-fourteen?

But I'm no longer thirteen-turning-fourteen. I'm goddamn twenty-turning-twenty-one. Yet I'm more lost and confused today than then.

It's been seven months since I've stopped talking to S, barring the rare intermittent icy-cold chats we've had since. Losing S as my trusty ear has been severely damaging to me. I used to tell him everything. Every goddamn thing, to the point I was sending him entries of my journal - a journal I wrote because he said it might make me understand myself better; a journal I sent because he said it will make him understand me better. And you'll never expect someone so important to you like this to break your trust... except he did.

I never got over it.

After that day I started not being able to form sentences about my own feelings and personal thoughts properly. I'd write halfway, and I'd get annoyed at myself for being so bad at it. I moved from writing to typing eventually, since no one was there to appreciate my handwriting anymore and it took too much time to try writing word by word. I don't know why I even bothered - maybe I was just holding out for the day that I'll reconcile my friendship with S and everything will be happily ever after.

Nonetheless I'm hoping that by posting what I feel will make me gain back that articulation in thought and make me feel better about myself eventually. Typing/writing to myself has been an exercise in futility with regards to that goal. Everything just gets reabsorbed by yourself and it feels twice as worse as before.

I just hope one person is out there listening, but even if that person doesn't exist - saying things out loud should be better than just keeping it within myself. Pen and paper or just plain Word document for my own eyes simply doesn't work for me.

This has been so hard to write, but I've... made it. This is liberating. I'll be back to write more.

P.S. I've told the first person, ID, just a few hours ago that I was (in definite terms) bisexual. I think I've dropped the hint a few times before, but never in such a direct manner. His response was so unexpectedly weak and disinterested that I'm starting to feel bad for doing it. It's bad since that day, August 9th, was the date he came out to me last year and I thought he'd have a bit of interest in it.

Should have known better, heh.