I've looked up to S since I've known him at... the age of 13 I believe. S is three years older than me, and somehow it's very comforting to see his presence in school. We weren't on close terms then, and soon he disappeared from my life since he moved on with school. Nonetheless, in the age of social media and the yesteryears where privacy wasn't a priority for most - it was easy to see how S actually progressed - he went on to do pretty well where he was, and then after a couple of years went to serve the army. Despite so I've always wondered how he's doing, since S isn't really an active social media user, and most of the clues on how he has been doing are all gleaned through his friends.
Meeting S again happened to be this chance occurrence at this event when I was 16, and S was in the midst of serving his mandatory conscription. S looked exactly how he was when I was younger - the person I looked up to, and someone I could take as a brotherly figure. S actually recognised my presence at the event and I happened to have the chance to speak to him at length. That was a pretty amazing day, and I probably wouldn't forget it.
And so we started talking over virtual methods of communication - and when it started, it went on and on. I'd talk to S every weekend after he was out of his army camp, and we'll talk until after midnight and beyond. Being 17-ish I honestly engaged in quite a number of inane discussion - stuff that I will never talk about these days, but it was honestly great. It was great to have his ear - to have someone who will listen. Yet, there was one thing about S - S never told me much about what he was doing, and even when asked S would offer very little details. I didn't think much of it, and I honestly thought it wasn't nice of me to ask too much, anyway. And hence that lovely yet lopsided conversation happened for four odd years - through his years in mandatory conscription, through my years in mandatory conscription, until earlier this year. Somehow we've managed to talk at so much length despite the fact we've only met up twice in the intervening period.
And here's the bit I've mentioned this bit before. Towards the end of the four year period, S became a bit more manipulative and controlling - and terms that he used to call me as a form of (brotherly?) affection felt more like terms of control and subservience. It didn't help that I lost my cool quite a few times - I felt he went a bit overboard and pushed me into a corner where I could not just simply tell him to stop because he doesn't acknowledge it. It didn't help that he knew everything about me - because I told him about all my troubles and worries. Worries that my parents and siblings probably don't know. Troubles and internal conflicts that only he knows. I began feeling that these things were turning against me - and S was using them against me. That if a spanner were thrown into the conversation and our relationship, it was undoubtedly my fault, because I'm "emotionally labile". I'm not - I just don't know how to express my frustrations with the never-ending problems that he was not taking any note of, and yet keep my cool with him.
I felt things were going south and so I decided to end it in January. It was an emotional rollercoaster, since it went from being close to utterly distant in the matter of weeks. I don't know how S took it, but I don't think it ever affected him at all. It had a bad emotional toll on me - some of my nights were just spent crying since there was this void in the night that S used to fill that was now gone. Yet I knew I had to do this because I really need to gain back a little bit of my sanity, and stop double-guessing myself because someone else treats me in a way that made me feel like I'm not deserving of anything.
I thought I've gotten over it by April. Trying to be the best person I could be, I wished him a happy birthday over Facebook on the day itself, and then hopped myself on a flight to China, where Facebook was banned and I wouldn't have to deal with the immediacy of any replies that might be forthcoming.
China was great. I really enjoyed my week without social media and getting my news and information from reading English Wikipedia, since BBC and the like were all inaccessible. I really thought I was fine with things, and mature enough to deal with issues.
I came back from Shanghai after that week seeing his replies and I stupidly decided to reply. Whilst on a conscious state of mind I wished him a happy birthday privately because I was gobsmacked to find that no one posted on his page (which would have limited our contact time), and chose to do so privately; perhaps on a subconscious state of mind I really wished him well and hope he was fine.
April and May was tumultuous for me in the fact that I had to alternate between S apologising the very first time since I've returned to Singapore, to the point that things were just bad, and I tried to be as impersonal as possible in my replies since I didn't want to bear that kind of pain again.
Obviously I suffered when things went awry, but it was better the second time round. I told MH at the point of time - I just wanted to help S be a better person, and I don't know why S treated me that way when he never was like this. I dragged myself into a situation I should never have done, and it felt like at times like I stabbed myself. Perhaps I should have been nicer - perhaps that would have been better, but I had my heart to protect. He ended the entire thing after he said it was getting too difficult to talk to me, and wished me well.
I hope that was genuine, I really don't know. I asked myself whether I've did the right thing throughout, and I really doubted my judgement. I resorted later to showing some of my texts with S to a few other close friends (that don't know S); had our names blanked out and asked what they thought about it.
Many thought S was being a tool and a jerk. It was a bit jarring to hear that.
I'm not sure if S changed in this intervening period of four years, but nonetheless I still love S a lot as a friend. I hope he does well. The emotions still stings till this day, and writing this wasn't the smoothest emotional ride I've ever had.
I wonder whether it's uncommon to love your friends, and to love them so hard. I do. I'm such a little sucker but that's who I am personally. I don't know whether I'll ever be close to S again in my entire life but S taught me before that "everything happens for a reason", and perhaps this did as well. Perhaps It's for learning and being better in dealing my future friends, perhaps it's about telling me that maybe I'm really a bit too sensitive about things and need to take a chill pill. Perhaps it is preparation for getting to know S all over again and that these chats were just with the right person at the wrong time. I don't know, but at least this experience made me stand on my own two feet and made me a much more independent person in nature. Rather than confiding in people, I have a blank sheet of paper to type on here. Similarly, I display a little less emotion and give people a little less information lest I get hurt again. They aren't good traits per se, but they are traits I need to have were I need to protect myself from the range and depth of my own emotions.
Anyway, this is probably the most complete thing I've ever written about S, and probably will be the only one. As much as this is cathartic, this is also for posterity. I hope to look back on this post in future and say confidently that I've moved on. I hope to dust the final pieces of metaphorical blood and scabs off my heart. It's really time I should - and I'm far overdue even despite the fact I tell myself it's the last time every single time.
Maybe I will never heal, and that's okay. I'll look back at the chats and time with S with fondness, but go on with life, and move forward. That's it. That's really what matters.
No comments:
Post a Comment