Just a note

If you happen to follow what I've been writing, I'm actually here now.

It's not that I hate Blogger (it's where my first blog is from, anyway), but that Wordpress gives me more control and soothes the crazy perfectionist in me.

I hope to see you there!

M

Random thoughts

I get jealous with people with more friends than me.

What the hell is wrong with me?

It's ten days away, M - ten days away from getting to know more people. Be chill, and get this right. I was wondering whether I should switch up from Blogger to some other platform where there's more of a chance to interact with more like-minded people. I was honestly really bummed by the fact that the "blogs you follow" feature got removed on the Blogger profile, and to be honest - Blogger is the kind of stuff I was using when I was 11 to write crap. In fact, I still do have the posts from the other blog - and although some of the stuff I've posted was really beyond what an eleven year old would write, the rest was downright cringe.

Tumblr? Tumblr's isn't really good for writing what I feel, neither does Dayre will.

If I'm not back here, you'll probably be able to find me over at Wordpress. same domain, perhaps!

I probably should get some rest first.

I'm tired (reprise)

Eff you, Google. You make it so hard to follow another person's blog without almost outing oneself.

To anyone (is there anyone?) who reads this blog - the only reason why there's two profiles is because I'm using the other to read the blogs of other bi/gay men/other people publicly.

No point hiding anonymously to others, but hey, give me my veil.

I don't even understand why I went through the effort to do so. I just hope for a little bit of guidance but it's difficult to get.

Sucks to be me.

I'm tired

It's so frustrating that I have no one to talk to, and no one seems to really care if I'm dead or alive. I'm extremely tense by the thought that I might not do well enough in finding a job, although I'm at least three years away from that prospects.

It hurts my brain so much, but I feel like it's exactly the worry that many of my peers have - that our early to mid twenties are the peak of our performance and we've gotta get ahead by then, else fall behind.

Hell, two years in the army. I'm only graduating when I'm 23. That's old. We're talking about a bachelor's degree, and I'm still kicking myself for not being good enough.

It hurts. It fucking sucks.

I'm also nowhere nearer telling people that I'm bisexual and that number remains at... one? This sucks. Do I have to out myself? No. But I feel it's probably better, but I get reminded by all the issues like bi-erasure/bi-phobia (something I've talked about... four years ago?) and pause and think again.

It is extremely exhausting for me to actually to get people to chin up, and it's bad when you're dealing with a number of two to four. I know I can be a bundle of joy at times, but sometimes it hurts me so badly that I just don't have that kind of energy to deal with other people's issue and try to get them to be more optimistic about stuff.

I probably shouldn't be complaining, given that I've often not optimistic in front of S. Gosh. Karma's a bitch.

I've asked S before the question that if I disappear, would anyone notice? He said he will.

I'm not sure if he would anymore, but I'm over my broken friendship with him. I'm just hoping other people do realise if I actually do disappear.

Over and out.

Speedy fingers, serious brain

I've got to be faster at replying people - not because I'm often off my phone/procrastinating, but it honestly takes time (we're talking one, two hours?) to think through and reply thoughtfully on an issue. It didn't help that I replied to a few in the last two days.

The things I do for people I care about. I really should care less. It's not as if people treat me the same way, and I'm doing waaaaayyyy far out left field as a friend. I've confided in MH once about this, and he replied saying that that behaviour is just me.

Typical M. oh sometimes I wish I was just an airhead who doesn't delve into serious topics and keep to making small talk or yakking rumours and hearsay and whatever brainless topics there are in the world. It's both amazing how even talking about skincare to the online people I do talk to goes like this - "blah blah pH is too high and henceforth not optimal for the skin barrier, blah niacinamide is best synergistically used with n-acetyl glucosamine in a formula to get rid of hyperpigmentation, but do look at vitamin C - l-ascorbic acid is unstable but more effective than magnesium/sodium ascorbyl phospate, do get a formula that uses vitamin E and ferulic acid inside if you get LAA".

like, okay, it's a bit toned down that what I had expected, but still dude, it's the internet.

le sigh. reminds me of SW and her belief about how dudes will never get a lady which is their intellectual equal as their partner because it'll be all too intense. hell. I want an intellectual equal as my partner, if I ever do have a partner. (I'm betting I won't, ha.) 

maybe intense is good? and maybe I should secretly thank the gods may be that I'm bisexual for that lololol.

Days are longer than you think

I realised how long a day is. The entries on Monday felt kind of foreign to me, but that's just two days ago.

I realised how fast my mood swings in a day. Sleeping became a problem yesterday because I was just thinking of S and I felt empty inside - I wished I understood myself and my brain better. It's ironic - my only lesson yesterday was about neurons and our brains and it's just breathtaking how little we know about the thing that forms part of everyone of us. It feels surreal that I wrote so many entries yesterday, and each and every one had a different emotion in it.

But S, yes. Were it not for good safety videos (props to AirNZ as usual, the last two Qantas ones and even American Airlines acknowledging customers have choices), I would probably have cried myself to sleep. I don't understand why he triggers such an effect in me. I'm ashamed.

Anyway, well - things will get better. It will.

Nonetheless today was pretty rad! Although I was bummed by the fact the finance office was closed yesterday, it was quite good to see the two ladies who I felt would have become good classmates of mine were it not for the fact I left. I honestly thought I let them down yesterday, but that's over. I submitted the withdrawal form today and suddenly walking through the school felt infinitesimally better.

To be honest I was worrying what was taking my passport so darn long - since today is day sixteen, and they pledged to have it done in fifteen else they'll email an explanation. No emails of explanation was forthcoming. Nonetheless the email finally came to beckon me to collect my orphaned passport. Yet it's honestly a bit irritating given the fact I've to rush down tomorrow, rather than being at the right place and the right time to collect like today was. It doesn't help that Friday's a public/bank holiday. Grrr.

I was surprisingly efficient today as well - got my exit permit done as well after worrying for eons about inefficiencies in the system - so that's rad. I managed to shear off three of the most important things/worries in one day. I expected that day to be yesterday - maybe it was just a telling sign I really ought to take a chill pill and let things take its natural course than force my way through.

It's still a bit hard to believe I'm fifteen days away from Bristol. That's two weeks and a day. I've spent two weeks in a row doing nothing before, yet my days now are getting longer and more hectic. I love it. It puts my mind off silly thoughts about loneliness, but hey, I'll be better.

M

About S

I just happened to think of S out of the blue, and since my writing needs some practice - I guess it wouldn't be that bad to dedicate an entire entry to writing about S.

I've looked up to S since I've known him at... the age of 13 I believe. S is three years older than me, and somehow it's very comforting to see his presence in school. We weren't on close terms then, and soon he disappeared from my life since he moved on with school. Nonetheless, in the age of social media and the yesteryears where privacy wasn't a priority for most - it was easy to see how S actually progressed - he went on to do pretty well where he was, and then after a couple of years went to serve the army. Despite so I've always wondered how he's doing, since S isn't really an active social media user, and most of the clues on how he has been doing are all gleaned through his friends.

Meeting S again happened to be this chance occurrence at this event when I was 16, and S was in the midst of serving his mandatory conscription. S looked exactly how he was when I was younger - the person I looked up to, and someone I could take as a brotherly figure. S actually recognised my presence at the event and I happened to have the chance to speak to him at length. That was a pretty amazing day, and I probably wouldn't forget it.

And so we started talking over virtual methods of communication - and when it started, it went on and on. I'd talk to S every weekend after he was out of his army camp, and we'll talk until after midnight and beyond. Being 17-ish I honestly engaged in quite a number of inane discussion - stuff that I will never talk about these days, but it was honestly great. It was great to have his ear - to have someone who will listen. Yet, there was one thing about S - S never told me much about what he was doing, and even when asked S would offer very little details. I didn't think much of it, and I honestly thought it wasn't nice of me to ask too much, anyway. And hence that lovely yet lopsided conversation happened for four odd years - through his years in mandatory conscription, through my years in mandatory conscription, until earlier this year. Somehow we've managed to talk at so much length despite the fact we've only met up twice in the intervening period.

And here's the bit I've mentioned this bit before. Towards the end of the four year period, S became a bit more manipulative and controlling - and terms that he used to call me as a form of (brotherly?) affection felt more like terms of control and subservience. It didn't help that I lost my cool quite a few times - I felt he went a bit overboard and pushed me into a corner where I could not just simply tell him to stop because he doesn't acknowledge it. It didn't help that he knew everything about me - because I told him about all my troubles and worries. Worries that my parents and siblings probably don't know. Troubles and internal conflicts that only he knows. I began feeling that these things were turning against me - and S was using them against me. That if a spanner were thrown into the conversation and our relationship, it was undoubtedly my fault, because I'm "emotionally labile". I'm not - I just don't know how to express my frustrations with the never-ending problems that he was not taking any note of, and yet keep my cool with him.

I felt things were going south and so I decided to end it in January. It was an emotional rollercoaster, since it went from being close to utterly distant in the matter of weeks. I don't know how S took it, but I don't think it ever affected him at all. It had a bad emotional toll on me - some of my nights were just spent crying since there was this void in the night that S used to fill that was now gone. Yet I knew I had to do this because I really need to gain back a little bit of my sanity, and stop double-guessing myself because someone else treats me in a way that made me feel like I'm not deserving of anything.

I thought I've gotten over it by April. Trying to be the best person I could be, I wished him a happy birthday over Facebook on the day itself, and then hopped myself on a flight to China, where Facebook was banned and I wouldn't have to deal with the immediacy of any replies that might be forthcoming.

China was great. I really enjoyed my week without social media and getting my news and information from reading English Wikipedia, since BBC and the like were all inaccessible. I really thought I was fine with things, and mature enough to deal with issues.

I came back from Shanghai after that week seeing his replies and I stupidly decided to reply. Whilst on a conscious state of mind I wished him a happy birthday privately because I was gobsmacked to find that no one posted on his page (which would have limited our contact time), and chose to do so privately; perhaps on a subconscious state of mind I really wished him well and hope he was fine.

April and May was tumultuous for me in the fact that I had to alternate between S apologising the very first time since I've returned to Singapore, to the point that things were just bad, and I tried to be as impersonal as possible in my replies since I didn't want to bear that kind of pain again.

Obviously I suffered when things went awry, but it was better the second time round. I told MH at the point of time - I just wanted to help S be a better person, and I don't know why S treated me that way when he never was like this. I dragged myself into a situation I should never have done, and it felt like at times like I stabbed myself. Perhaps I should have been nicer - perhaps that would have been better, but I had my heart to protect. He ended the entire thing after he said it was getting too difficult to talk to me, and wished me well.

I hope that was genuine, I really don't know. I asked myself whether I've did the right thing throughout, and I really doubted my judgement. I resorted later to showing some of my texts with S to a few other close friends (that don't know S); had our names blanked out and asked what they thought about it.

Many thought S was being a tool and a jerk. It was a bit jarring to hear that.

I'm not sure if S changed in this intervening period of four years, but nonetheless I still love S a lot as a friend. I hope he does well. The emotions still stings till this day, and writing this wasn't the smoothest emotional ride I've ever had. 

I wonder whether it's uncommon to love your friends, and to love them so hard. I do. I'm such a little sucker but that's who I am personally. I don't know whether I'll ever be close to S again in my entire life but S taught me before that "everything happens for a reason", and perhaps this did as well. Perhaps It's for learning and being better in dealing my future friends, perhaps it's about telling me that maybe I'm really a bit too sensitive about things and need to take a chill pill. Perhaps it is preparation for getting to know S all over again and that these chats were just with the right person at the wrong time. I don't know, but at least this experience made me stand on my own two feet and made me a much more independent person in nature. Rather than confiding in people, I have a blank sheet of paper to type on here. Similarly, I display a little less emotion and give people a little less information lest I get hurt again. They aren't good traits per se, but they are traits I need to have were I need to protect myself from the range and depth of my own emotions.

Anyway, this is probably the most complete thing I've ever written about S, and probably will be the only one. As much as this is cathartic, this is also for posterity. I hope to look back on this post in future and say confidently that I've moved on. I hope to dust the final pieces of metaphorical blood and scabs off my heart. It's really time I should - and I'm far overdue even despite the fact I tell myself it's the last time every single time.

Maybe I will never heal, and that's okay. I'll look back at the chats and time with S with fondness, but go on with life, and move forward. That's it. That's really what matters.