Speedy fingers, serious brain

I've got to be faster at replying people - not because I'm often off my phone/procrastinating, but it honestly takes time (we're talking one, two hours?) to think through and reply thoughtfully on an issue. It didn't help that I replied to a few in the last two days.

The things I do for people I care about. I really should care less. It's not as if people treat me the same way, and I'm doing waaaaayyyy far out left field as a friend. I've confided in MH once about this, and he replied saying that that behaviour is just me.

Typical M. oh sometimes I wish I was just an airhead who doesn't delve into serious topics and keep to making small talk or yakking rumours and hearsay and whatever brainless topics there are in the world. It's both amazing how even talking about skincare to the online people I do talk to goes like this - "blah blah pH is too high and henceforth not optimal for the skin barrier, blah niacinamide is best synergistically used with n-acetyl glucosamine in a formula to get rid of hyperpigmentation, but do look at vitamin C - l-ascorbic acid is unstable but more effective than magnesium/sodium ascorbyl phospate, do get a formula that uses vitamin E and ferulic acid inside if you get LAA".

like, okay, it's a bit toned down that what I had expected, but still dude, it's the internet.

le sigh. reminds me of SW and her belief about how dudes will never get a lady which is their intellectual equal as their partner because it'll be all too intense. hell. I want an intellectual equal as my partner, if I ever do have a partner. (I'm betting I won't, ha.) 

maybe intense is good? and maybe I should secretly thank the gods may be that I'm bisexual for that lololol.

I DON'T CAAAARE

Uhmm okay!

I honestly think I've been too damn stoic in my entries! Like I should really chill the fuck out and have fun with this!

Don't mind me if I go crazy bwahaha. I love going crazy - I should channel my inner craziness here! My family probably has had enough of me going silly heh. :D

Anyway, last day of the local university and then I'll get my withdrawal form in; and hope for the best UKVI gives me back my damn passport soon!

Y U NO COME BACK FASTERRRR!

Anyway yesterday night was rad - really spent hours talking to MH and completely forgot I needed to read about neurons and teach my group about it for this last lesson (hurhur - maybe I'm not as conscientious as I believe myself to be). Waking up in the morn was weirdly fresh (after four hours of sleep?) and the first thing I thought of was Adventure Time's Lumpy Space Prince singing I DON'T CAAAAARE:

Like yeah THAT, the first thing in the morn! I think I've really gone to the stage I'm giving no fucks about things that don't matter like acquaintances (a la L's style) and about how people view me. MH asked me if I was afraid of S - I told him no, but things will probs be awks as hell if I were to bump into him in the UK.

Today's gonna be a good day. My braces are off but I've got my retainers now - and they're so lovely! It's not totally wired like the traditional retainers of the day (which is the best for keeping teeth straight), nor the Invisalign-ish type (transparent and aesthetic), but it has a transparent wire across it so it has the best of both worlds!

One more class and one withdrawal form next. Sixteen more days to go - sixteen before my next chapter in life!

Weird intelligence

I've named this post after a thing SW (a close but older mutual friend of mine and MH) said just literally minutes ago about a trait that binds us three, so apologies if it doesn't make sense with the rest of this post (that was largely written before SW said that).

Anyway, tomorrow's going to be my last day at the local university, and then I'm going to head straight off after class to submit my withdrawal form.

I know I'm taking a huge risk given that my UK visa isn't approved yet (I'm hoping I get the email within the next two days), but I don't think I can stay there any longer regardless. I've only been there for a week (discounting the fact I did a module there in the summer) but I've gotten incredibly tired of the people and the place - there's no life in it, and while it prides itself for the massive amount of extracurricular activities it has and its links with industry; it just feels goddarn corporate.

Hell no. I had a lesson last Wednesday where the professor asked everyone of us to tell the class about one interesting thing that happened over the summer break and 90 percent of it is just about "oh I went on a trip to South Korea, and they're so different, they're so chill, unlike Singapore". Hell, there wasn't even much variation with regards to the country (it's either goddamn South Korea or Japan half of the time).

And I just talked about going to this other summer school in the other university (there's a lot of foreigners in that one, since it's not held by that university but by the international association in the field of study), and talking to this Kazakh lady in which Kazakh happens only to be her fourth language - then going on to explain why was that the case and the wider implication of using the Russian language versus Kazakh in post-Soviet Kazakhstan, and how the problem came about.

I felt what I said was pretty meh, but what I got from the class (I was sitting at the back) was people looking in awe. Like what the hell? I kinda felt like if I remained in this school I'll probably regress and not learn anything new.

I really, really hope that the UK would be different, but at the same time L and my mother (who happened to study in the UK before) told me not to get my hopes up and expect things to be worse. L has been complaining about how the Masters students in her university aren't really that bright - which is kind of a worry for me because I wanted to go there for my Masters (sigh). I'm honestly not used to this after the kind of company I had in pre-university, but there's nothing I can change. I'm starting to regret not being closer to a lot more people in pre-u, but I didn't like many of them. I found many were either airheads that were only focused on memorising, else they were the kind who networked and backstabbed to get further in life. I'm quite glad my class was nothing of the sort (bar a select one or two), and I'm really extremely grateful that I got to know L and MH - and that we'll all be in the UK at the same time! :P


A few other things (to hell to the point form, so I do apologise if it seems a bit disjointed):

I've been actively looking at people's Instagram posts on explore and I'm starting to be really glad not to be one of those dudes doing law. It has been in my radar for the longest of time, until I switched it up and chose to do something closer to my heart which isn't far away from law. I knew I didn't want to practice as a lawyer even if I wanted to do law, and I'd be dumb to put myself in all the competition if that's the case. While some do really well (like a number of my acquaintances doing internships in NYC), some don't. And those are the ones who didn't get into Oxbridge/the three London schools/Bristol/Warwick/Durham but things further down - like Exeter or Sheffield. I do worry about how they are going to get a job - especially if they're heading back to Singapore to work - when there's a glut of lawyers in the job market anyway. I think many people get blinded by the bling of the law career when it's just utterly crap when you're not one of those performing well/in the top schools, and that there wasn't anyone who knew better to stop them before they fall into the rabbit-hole. In that aspect I'm glad that I've decided to steer away from that, but I know I need to be wary as well. I'm not in the London schools nor Oxbridge, and I'm not doing a professional degree, so I have to be careful about the tightrope I'm walking.

Swiss withdrew their Avros out of service just a few days ago. I'm a little bit annoyed despite being quite sure this will happen sooner or later, but that means I can't catch one of the Swiss Avro birds when in the UK, pfft. A British friend of mine's gonna catch one on Cityjet from Newcastle, but he's planned it on (of all days) day two of my university term, and Newcastle's a bitch to get up from the south, so I can't catch it with him. Ah well.

My mother's being a lot less belligerent in the way that I think she realised how hurtful it is to throw the financial blackmail card on me. I know she had personal experience dealing with that in her youth, but nonetheless I don't think it gives you the right to do it to other people. This was the thing I actually prepared an entry about but decided to hold it off, and I think this paragraph suffices in lieu of that. To be honest, it's a big relief, and that's great because I can spend more time actually gearing myself up in university and thinking what to do next after this.

My weight's stagnating, but I believe it's just a temporary thing before I head over to the UK, since I've been indulging a little bit more on things and I can't keep off sugar for an extended period of time (I don't think you realise how insidious they are if you don't cook yourself). It's quite hilarious that my younger sister (she's athletic as hell) and my mother has been complaining about how they feel fat for eating, but they're still eating the same things. Especially my mother - I've been telling her to lay off the sugar to no avail. She'll be in the UK for a period of time with me before my school term starts, and I'm hoping to wean her off sugar before I dump her (and her luggage full of new clothes) on her flight back to Singapore. Ten days can do wonders if you're disciplined enough.

It's been three months since I've catalogued all the things I wanted to do with my life and their associated files/documents in this Dropbox folder of mine and it's a wonder how much progress I've made. Despite so, I'm still a long way off. But hey, I've started, and it's only gonna get better. I hope I can look back in another three months' time and offer myself another pat on the back, and hopefully get one of those projects done and closed.

I guess that's it for today!

Braces off + short end of the stick

Yesterday was a great day.

My braces are finally off after two years, and it's so lovely not having to bother with the wires and see my teeth being so straight. My ortho has done an amazing job, and it can't be any better.

It's a good start, and it is a goodbye to a relic that harkens back to the era of my mandatory conscription, so that's even better. Hell, I even realised the exact day of the welcome ceremony in the university I'm going to head is on my birthday itself, so hurray.

I know I have a fetish for coincidences and dates. But there's something so serendipitous about it that intrigues me.

I digress, but I do wonder who is going to take the time to wish me on my birthday, but I guess I can think about it later.

Today I read kenn-do's blog again and there was a new entry about his ex and about how he cheated on him.

I was wondering why considerate nice people always happen to get the short end of the stick. I didn't expect today to be the day that I read about heartbreak, about people who don't cherish nice people and about people who bear the brunt of that.

I feel so helpless because I don't know what to say. I feel so helpless because it's not the first time this is happening to someone and I don't know what to do. MH was the receiving end of a girl who didn't cherish him. ID had his boyfriend cheat on him as well - and it's even disgustingly so when you know who they are. I could certainly continue and list out even more cases, but you get my drift. These people I've known are kind, considerate, caring beings. Why do people treat them in these ways? Are kind and considerate people easy to take advantage of, or are there just so many jerks around?

I know how it felt when S betrayed me, and he's just a goddamn friend. It must hurt ten times worse if the other party is your lover. S made me so worried about sharing stuff with other people because I feel they are going to get a hold at me, like S did. Now that I'm reflecting on it, I wasn't just manipulated, I was probably gaslighted on.

I really have little faith in things, but I think they are justified. I don't think I've any hope left in this mystical thing called love when everyone's having bad experiences with jerks left right and centre. You just can't escape them.

And honestly, this doesn't come at a better (worse?) timing. I found my parents' separation letter two days ago, dated from years past, nestled between other pretty important documents. I vividly remember those times, where I knew shit hit the fan and being an utterly young boy, didn't know what to do. I remember tales of cheating. I remember screams across phones, and the usually absent parent abroad being accused of something. I was wondering to ask one of them about the separation letter in my hand, but I decided against. My sister was just beside me and I decided to discreetly keep the documents rather than show her, and asking would have not been good for anyone. She doesn't remember a thing about the entire thing. Neither does the other one. They were far too young. If that's the case, the least I could do is to maintain a good impression of that parent than to shatter the image.

In light of that I'm wondering now if they're actually married; and if they are, is it in name and 'for the kids'? Nothing has changed about the periodic absence of the absent parent in the name of work. I've always been much closer with the present parent than the other, until this year where a couple of trips took us a bit closer.

Those documents have reopened it, and I'm not sure how to feel anymore. I remember the time a close friend told me and MH about her own failed relationship from years ago and her kids, and how her eldest always wants attention from his father - which never gave any after he left.

I was just wondering - would I have been in the same position as her son if things happened in that way?

Either way, I really have no faith in relationships anymore.

Three things

I realised I shouldn't be writing in such utterly cryptic language and it doesn't really matter to divulge a little more since no one will probably read this, hah. I have zero urge to structure things properly today, so here goes the point forms.

1. S has left for Manchester and I'm really really glad I'm not in the same city with him for at least the next nine months. Things have been especially awkward since the incident, and it's not good that S was my go-to person to confide to and I still do feel exposed in front of him. It's somewhat a breather, until my own relocation puts him near to me again. 
2. I happen to find out from the grapevine that a junior of mine just got a government scholarship. The worst days of my insecurities of not being up to par with such people are long gone, but the scars are still there. It didn't help that all my peers in the executive committee in my pre-university society were either scholars or in Oxbridge/London. But whatevs. I'm used to trying to play catch-up - I'll just keep doing that. I've been thinking on how to one-up people, but I haven't had a clue except pursuing a masters at one of the London unis with the extra one year I'd save heading to the UK to study rather than staying here.
3. I've definitively decided not to go for my university's orientation (held for students based here) before I leave. While a classmate of mine from my pre-university years (let's call him MH) have decided to go despite earlier reservations, it seems that most of the locals going there are law students - and I have no intention to let a bunch of wannabe corporate lawyers colour my perception of the university that I'll spend the next three years of my life. It's freaking ironic since that city is effing Bohemian, and wannabe corporate lawyers just don't gel with that image at all.

I've been thinking of how to hit the ground running once I move over to the UK. I have a semblance of what I want and what I'm going to achieve in the first three months there. I know it seems neurotic for a fresh undergrad to do that, but in all honesty I know that I'm trying to overcompensate. I just hope I can take big enough strides to close that gap or even maintain it, lest it widens yet again.