I'm actually quite glad that I was suffering a little writer's block just now, because it really made me think through what I wanted to say and in perhaps the best way possible.
I know people can be filled with a lot of negativity and toxicity and to some extent I see that in myself. But the fact that I've decided not to entertain these thoughts straight on - by not verbalising them and to get sucked into me perhaps have made me a better person to be acquainted with.
I know there's quite a number of things in general in which I could have done better or that I can improve on, but to just treat myself harshly and to tell myself that I'm worth crap as a result of my shortcoming would have been utterly defeatist and wholly ineffective in getting to where I wish I could be.
In that aspect I am hoping to keep the optimist side of me when writing, because I know that if I allow my long-latent negativity seep into my writing, it will only proliferate and back into my head as menacing thoughts.
It's not that I'm trying to act that 'everything is fine'. Things rarely are fine, and I acknowledge that. I don't try to act that I'm contented with life as it is. I'm not.
I talked to TF (the dude who's flying in an Avro from Newcastle) about what I should do with life, and I've gotten quite a different perspective. He's Brit, but he's not white and he has lived in quite a few different countries since his childhood. Whilst I can certainly beat up myself for not being in LSE/UCL/Oxbridge, he reminded me where I am and that how I'm already doing pretty well. And he's right. I'm honestly, honestly still stuck in my pre-university era where everyone (I knew, at least) was a genius, and it doesn't help that my sister is in the same school and that she's pretty much a semi-genius as well. I need to get that out of my head and that whilst I'm not one of those geniuses, if I do work harder and pace myself well I'd be doing well.
I took the time to look at people's Instagram posts - and especially a few Asians living in United Kingdom. I don't happen to have that insidious jealously waiting to whip me for living an utterly meh life with respect to these people (since they ain't competition to me) - instead, through all these figures who are a bit older than me I can see what life can become if I do maintain my perseverance. It's pretty rad because I can see myself in that.
I've come to terms that I'm off in seventeen days, and I've just received a snail mail from the University with all the info and maps of the city in the last hour. A nice touch, really. They were the only ones who bothered to send me a snail mail after getting an offer (you guys are lovely), and I was just poring through it and seeing what I could do. I know I want to get myself into some volunteer work. Study hard, certainly; and meet L and our friends in London and find TF up north. It's a bit deflating to hear the gym's not really near where I live - I'm come far enough to look decent, but I wanna look dayum in a suit. But, hey doing a sport seems interesting. I've did it, sure, even competitively before, but that was years past. Maybe it's time to restart.
I really hope I can leave my demons away here in Singapore, and do this well. It's pretty uplifting to have a little bit of faith in myself, and I know I will thrive in a foreign environment where the desires and obligations of my family and living with them aren't an impediment anymore. That is a reason why I'm actively lobbying my sister to choose different UK schools to apply, or stay here in NUS to do her course (since it's a professional course anyway) - notwithstanding the fact that she needs to learn to be independent and can't act like any sassy bitch dependent on her boyfriend (not that she's one). I find that there's where I differ from my sister's in general - because I'm the oldest and that just begets responsibility, sometimes you do too much to the detriment of them. Yet my parents have never nudged them in that way and hence my point is moot.
This will be great. I really should be less harsh of myself - I've done the impossible and the highly unlikely before - I have the ability to do the impossible even more so than anyone I've known. If I told most of my teachers in pre-university I'm headed to Bristol their jaw would have dropped. That's how little faith they had in me. I used to have an inferiority complex when talking to S, but thinking about it - I've lost it the time I decided enough was enough.
I don't lack anything. Yes, I could be less harsh on myself, I could have more belief in myself, but ultimately it's just because I'm not confident enough in myself. I totes should. And go in with an open mind, and be chillax as a flying flute as I usually am, and be brilliant and unconventionally great in such a way I'd bring the house down.
That's the goal, and that's a damn fine goal. Good luck to me. I'll be more than fine.
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