Welcome to Bristol

I'm actually quite glad that I was suffering a little writer's block just now, because it really made me think through what I wanted to say and in perhaps the best way possible.

I know people can be filled with a lot of negativity and toxicity and to some extent I see that in myself. But the fact that I've decided not to entertain these thoughts straight on - by not verbalising them and to get sucked into me perhaps have made me a better person to be acquainted with.

I know there's quite a number of things in general in which I could have done better or that I can improve on, but to just treat myself harshly and to tell myself that I'm worth crap as a result of my shortcoming would have been utterly defeatist and wholly ineffective in getting to where I wish I could be.

In that aspect I am hoping to keep the optimist side of me when writing, because I know that if I allow my long-latent negativity seep into my writing, it will only proliferate and back into my head as menacing thoughts.

It's not that I'm trying to act that 'everything is fine'. Things rarely are fine, and I acknowledge that. I don't try to act that I'm contented with life as it is. I'm not.

I talked to TF (the dude who's flying in an Avro from Newcastle) about what I should do with life, and I've gotten quite a different perspective. He's Brit, but he's not white and he has lived in quite a few different countries since his childhood. Whilst I can certainly beat up myself for not being in LSE/UCL/Oxbridge, he reminded me where I am and that how I'm already doing pretty well. And he's right. I'm honestly, honestly still stuck in my pre-university era where everyone (I knew, at least) was a genius, and it doesn't help that my sister is in the same school and that she's pretty much a semi-genius as well. I need to get that out of my head and that whilst I'm not one of those geniuses, if I do work harder and pace myself well I'd be doing well.

I took the time to look at people's Instagram posts - and especially a few Asians living in United Kingdom. I don't happen to have that insidious jealously waiting to whip me for living an utterly meh life with respect to these people (since they ain't competition to me) - instead, through all these figures who are a bit older than me I can see what life can become if I do maintain my perseverance. It's pretty rad because I can see myself in that.

I've come to terms that I'm off in seventeen days, and I've just received a snail mail from the University with all the info and maps of the city in the last hour. A nice touch, really. They were the only ones who bothered to send me a snail mail after getting an offer (you guys are lovely), and I was just poring through it and seeing what I could do. I know I want to get myself into some volunteer work. Study hard, certainly; and meet L and our friends in London and find TF up north. It's a bit deflating to hear the gym's not really near where I live - I'm come far enough to look decent, but I wanna look dayum in a suit. But, hey doing a sport seems interesting. I've did it, sure, even competitively before, but that was years past. Maybe it's time to restart.

I really hope I can leave my demons away here in Singapore, and do this well. It's pretty uplifting to have a little bit of faith in myself, and I know I will thrive in a foreign environment where the desires and obligations of my family and living with them aren't an impediment anymore. That is a reason why I'm actively lobbying my sister to choose different UK schools to apply, or stay here in NUS to do her course (since it's a professional course anyway) - notwithstanding the fact that she needs to learn to be independent and can't act like any sassy bitch dependent on her boyfriend (not that she's one). I find that there's where I differ from my sister's in general - because I'm the oldest and that just begets responsibility, sometimes you do too much to the detriment of them. Yet my parents have never nudged them in that way and hence my point is moot.

This will be great. I really should be less harsh of myself - I've done the impossible and the highly unlikely before - I have the ability to do the impossible even more so than anyone I've known. If I told most of my teachers in pre-university I'm headed to Bristol their jaw would have dropped. That's how little faith they had in me. I used to have an inferiority complex when talking to S, but thinking about it - I've lost it the time I decided enough was enough.

I don't lack anything. Yes, I could be less harsh on myself, I could have more belief in myself, but ultimately it's just because I'm not confident enough in myself. I totes should. And go in with an open mind, and be chillax as a flying flute as I usually am, and be brilliant and unconventionally great in such a way I'd bring the house down.

That's the goal, and that's a damn fine goal. Good luck to me. I'll be more than fine.

Weird intelligence

I've named this post after a thing SW (a close but older mutual friend of mine and MH) said just literally minutes ago about a trait that binds us three, so apologies if it doesn't make sense with the rest of this post (that was largely written before SW said that).

Anyway, tomorrow's going to be my last day at the local university, and then I'm going to head straight off after class to submit my withdrawal form.

I know I'm taking a huge risk given that my UK visa isn't approved yet (I'm hoping I get the email within the next two days), but I don't think I can stay there any longer regardless. I've only been there for a week (discounting the fact I did a module there in the summer) but I've gotten incredibly tired of the people and the place - there's no life in it, and while it prides itself for the massive amount of extracurricular activities it has and its links with industry; it just feels goddarn corporate.

Hell no. I had a lesson last Wednesday where the professor asked everyone of us to tell the class about one interesting thing that happened over the summer break and 90 percent of it is just about "oh I went on a trip to South Korea, and they're so different, they're so chill, unlike Singapore". Hell, there wasn't even much variation with regards to the country (it's either goddamn South Korea or Japan half of the time).

And I just talked about going to this other summer school in the other university (there's a lot of foreigners in that one, since it's not held by that university but by the international association in the field of study), and talking to this Kazakh lady in which Kazakh happens only to be her fourth language - then going on to explain why was that the case and the wider implication of using the Russian language versus Kazakh in post-Soviet Kazakhstan, and how the problem came about.

I felt what I said was pretty meh, but what I got from the class (I was sitting at the back) was people looking in awe. Like what the hell? I kinda felt like if I remained in this school I'll probably regress and not learn anything new.

I really, really hope that the UK would be different, but at the same time L and my mother (who happened to study in the UK before) told me not to get my hopes up and expect things to be worse. L has been complaining about how the Masters students in her university aren't really that bright - which is kind of a worry for me because I wanted to go there for my Masters (sigh). I'm honestly not used to this after the kind of company I had in pre-university, but there's nothing I can change. I'm starting to regret not being closer to a lot more people in pre-u, but I didn't like many of them. I found many were either airheads that were only focused on memorising, else they were the kind who networked and backstabbed to get further in life. I'm quite glad my class was nothing of the sort (bar a select one or two), and I'm really extremely grateful that I got to know L and MH - and that we'll all be in the UK at the same time! :P


A few other things (to hell to the point form, so I do apologise if it seems a bit disjointed):

I've been actively looking at people's Instagram posts on explore and I'm starting to be really glad not to be one of those dudes doing law. It has been in my radar for the longest of time, until I switched it up and chose to do something closer to my heart which isn't far away from law. I knew I didn't want to practice as a lawyer even if I wanted to do law, and I'd be dumb to put myself in all the competition if that's the case. While some do really well (like a number of my acquaintances doing internships in NYC), some don't. And those are the ones who didn't get into Oxbridge/the three London schools/Bristol/Warwick/Durham but things further down - like Exeter or Sheffield. I do worry about how they are going to get a job - especially if they're heading back to Singapore to work - when there's a glut of lawyers in the job market anyway. I think many people get blinded by the bling of the law career when it's just utterly crap when you're not one of those performing well/in the top schools, and that there wasn't anyone who knew better to stop them before they fall into the rabbit-hole. In that aspect I'm glad that I've decided to steer away from that, but I know I need to be wary as well. I'm not in the London schools nor Oxbridge, and I'm not doing a professional degree, so I have to be careful about the tightrope I'm walking.

Swiss withdrew their Avros out of service just a few days ago. I'm a little bit annoyed despite being quite sure this will happen sooner or later, but that means I can't catch one of the Swiss Avro birds when in the UK, pfft. A British friend of mine's gonna catch one on Cityjet from Newcastle, but he's planned it on (of all days) day two of my university term, and Newcastle's a bitch to get up from the south, so I can't catch it with him. Ah well.

My mother's being a lot less belligerent in the way that I think she realised how hurtful it is to throw the financial blackmail card on me. I know she had personal experience dealing with that in her youth, but nonetheless I don't think it gives you the right to do it to other people. This was the thing I actually prepared an entry about but decided to hold it off, and I think this paragraph suffices in lieu of that. To be honest, it's a big relief, and that's great because I can spend more time actually gearing myself up in university and thinking what to do next after this.

My weight's stagnating, but I believe it's just a temporary thing before I head over to the UK, since I've been indulging a little bit more on things and I can't keep off sugar for an extended period of time (I don't think you realise how insidious they are if you don't cook yourself). It's quite hilarious that my younger sister (she's athletic as hell) and my mother has been complaining about how they feel fat for eating, but they're still eating the same things. Especially my mother - I've been telling her to lay off the sugar to no avail. She'll be in the UK for a period of time with me before my school term starts, and I'm hoping to wean her off sugar before I dump her (and her luggage full of new clothes) on her flight back to Singapore. Ten days can do wonders if you're disciplined enough.

It's been three months since I've catalogued all the things I wanted to do with my life and their associated files/documents in this Dropbox folder of mine and it's a wonder how much progress I've made. Despite so, I'm still a long way off. But hey, I've started, and it's only gonna get better. I hope I can look back in another three months' time and offer myself another pat on the back, and hopefully get one of those projects done and closed.

I guess that's it for today!

A little reflection

I know I promised that particular entry yesterday, but I'm still sitting on it and thinking how I should edit it, and whether I should ultimately publish it.

Nonetheless I'm glad that this has evolved into a space where I can actually air my own problems/opinions without getting judged, and where I can be relatively free from being worried that someone might find out of it anyway.

In fact I'm at a stage where I don't really worry if people actually find out about it, because it's not as personal as I thought it would be. I'm still not sharing at a stage where I did with S, so it's still okay for me.

--

I've steadily realised that this form of writing brings about a cathartic release that I don't often get. I don't have the kind of support system most people have - or maybe I do, but the fact that I usually dwell on a problems on a numeral magnitude higher than other people, my support system is inadequate in handling the crap I throw at it. I'm not even twenty-one yet, yet my hair's graying and I'm stressed at the crossroads of life. I know I haven't started university, but when I went through my old notebooks there were musings and plans about what I need to do and what I should do - and we're talking about stuff that I conceivably can't do until later in life.

Yet there's this feeling of uneasiness that I can't shake off. I've lost two years to mandatory conscription. I know that I did adequately during the two years outside of the army for my own life, and although I'm in a decent position of strength (going a pretty decently-ranked/well-ranked university in one of the few countries the scholars tend to go), there's something about it that's unnerving. I went for one of my "classes" at one of the local university (before I tender my withdrawal next week) - and I met one of my acquaintances/classmate (?) that I knew from pre-university. It was certainly unsettling (to me) to hear how much he's getting done - taking his ACCA papers (for an accounting professional qualification) that he managed to study during his time serving the army, and continuing it now whilst juggling a heavy workload in school. I'm unsettled not because he's taking a heavy workload - I know he's capable of and I'm certainly happy for him - but it's unsettling because I'm not doing the same. Somehow I feel that I need to one-up other people if I want to achieve progress. It's not about just getting a first-class degree from a reputable university, but the fact that my reputable university needs to compare with respect to other people's reputable university and that I need to achieve more than others. 

Yet I wonder whether I'm doing this because I'm just naturally competitive or that I just need to prove myself to other people and so not get judged by them. Yet L had this very apt piece of advice for me about worrying about people judging you:

L: There are only two types of people in your life

L: Friends or acquaintances

L: Friends won't judge you

L: Acquaintances don't actually give a fuck about your life

And she's right. She goes on to mentioned that being judged is a very East Asian form of behaviour, where people need to see the point of competing to people and actually bringing people down to quell their own insecurities in life. She's right.

In fact, by extension, aren't we all much better if we set our sights forward, rather than having to guard our rear - ie spending energy worrying about people judging us, or spending energy judging people to bring them down? Perhaps we really all are. Perhaps L's right, and that I should spend more time looking how to charge forward, and in my own way, rather than compare myself to other people and live a second-rate version of other people's life.

D minus one month

August 14th.

Exactly a month left before I'm heading off to the UK. It's pretty daunting because I really don't know what to expect over there. Especially the competition academically.

I told L my concerns the other day and she was like "don't worry lah, they're all so un-bright - especially all the masters students I get in contact with." I'm not sure whether to take comfort in that - she's freaking bright and she might have had a much different experience dominating her competition compared to what I might feel. I mean - well, she lost a grand total of 40 points off the full score on the old SAT - that's just simply amazing.

If anything, I'm a much lesser version of her. So I get doubly worried when she faces obstacles in her time in London, because I know if she does, I'll just go through the same and end up much worse off.

I'm probably thinking too much. S used to tell me to have more confidence in myself. Even my mother was talking about how I shouldn't be viewing myself as one which is not as stellar as the rest. But when you're accustomed at performing badly at the back of the rat race it's not a fear one can let go easily.

My head hurts, and I'm still figuring how to learn LaTeX, so I'm going to end this entry early right here today.