It's so frustrating that I have no one to talk to, and no one seems to really care if I'm dead or alive. I'm extremely tense by the thought that I might not do well enough in finding a job, although I'm at least three years away from that prospects.
It hurts my brain so much, but I feel like it's exactly the worry that many of my peers have - that our early to mid twenties are the peak of our performance and we've gotta get ahead by then, else fall behind.
Hell, two years in the army. I'm only graduating when I'm 23. That's old. We're talking about a bachelor's degree, and I'm still kicking myself for not being good enough.
It hurts. It fucking sucks.
I'm also nowhere nearer telling people that I'm bisexual and that number remains at... one? This sucks. Do I have to out myself? No. But I feel it's probably better, but I get reminded by all the issues like bi-erasure/bi-phobia (something I've talked about... four years ago?) and pause and think again.
It is extremely exhausting for me to actually to get people to chin up, and it's bad when you're dealing with a number of two to four. I know I can be a bundle of joy at times, but sometimes it hurts me so badly that I just don't have that kind of energy to deal with other people's issue and try to get them to be more optimistic about stuff.
I probably shouldn't be complaining, given that I've often not optimistic in front of S. Gosh. Karma's a bitch.
I've asked S before the question that if I disappear, would anyone notice? He said he will.
I'm not sure if he would anymore, but I'm over my broken friendship with him. I'm just hoping other people do realise if I actually do disappear.
Over and out.
No comments:
Post a Comment