Friday night

My Friday night was a wet one - it was literally raining cats and dogs today. I haven't seen a rainy night happen for quite a while, so I spent quite a considerable amount of time watching the rain hit the glass windows in my room - in the dark.

A cold somewhat-dark place has always been my favourite spot to be because it feels like no one else can notice my presence and that I can fade into the dark, where I gel. I can't help but feel really small, and really out in sync with others. I see how my friends are doing okay and getting along in life in local universities and I'd just think to myself - no way in hell I could even survive - not because I'd drown in work, but the fact is that I think people wouldn't want to hang out with me anyway.

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I had time tonight - and I knew I wasn't going to blankly stare at a window for hours on end so I decided to read (and re-read) some blogs. I know my own writing has turned from abhorrent to utterly abysmal and I need to learn for others!

kenn-do's one still interests me the most and it's quite interesting to see how attitudes and issues have changed - some for the better, some for the worst, and some in just perpetual merry-go-round. I was hoping he read back on his own entries from year's past to see how life always oscillates between the ultra-good, the absolute horrid and meh in general. And to see how much he actually grown throughout the years, and that things will be life if you give it time.

I'm being totally hypocritical here - because I'm still wallowing deep in my own doubts and insecurities. Nonetheless I took the entire bunch of logs that I've written to myself before I started this, and read through how my own emotions have changed and how I was then versus now. It's nice to know that I've grown as a person but it's pretty sad to revisit the fact that I'm no longer talking to the people who once mattered a lot to me, or that we're just conversing much less.

Anyway, here's something from what I wrote in September (?) last year. It was formatted as in a poetic form there, which probably is damn effing pretentious now thinking about it. I think it says a lot about my state of mind on certain issues and probably quite apt with all the stuff going around today - hell, it probably is apt at any point in time in human history.

I'm not sure if I still have that fire in me to care that much about any issue today, though.

The matches that matter
are not the ones
between Man U and Leicester City
between Federer and Nadal
not the ones
that pay millions to its maker
in endorsements nor in signing fees
but
the ones in Westminster, in the Riigikogu
in Parliament
between parties - and ideas and values and beliefs
of which what is at stake
is no mere win or loss nor some money
but the futures of the young
the plight of the down and out
the economy and the employed and the unemployed
and to society and the society as a whole
that - is what's at stake