A little reflection

I know I promised that particular entry yesterday, but I'm still sitting on it and thinking how I should edit it, and whether I should ultimately publish it.

Nonetheless I'm glad that this has evolved into a space where I can actually air my own problems/opinions without getting judged, and where I can be relatively free from being worried that someone might find out of it anyway.

In fact I'm at a stage where I don't really worry if people actually find out about it, because it's not as personal as I thought it would be. I'm still not sharing at a stage where I did with S, so it's still okay for me.

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I've steadily realised that this form of writing brings about a cathartic release that I don't often get. I don't have the kind of support system most people have - or maybe I do, but the fact that I usually dwell on a problems on a numeral magnitude higher than other people, my support system is inadequate in handling the crap I throw at it. I'm not even twenty-one yet, yet my hair's graying and I'm stressed at the crossroads of life. I know I haven't started university, but when I went through my old notebooks there were musings and plans about what I need to do and what I should do - and we're talking about stuff that I conceivably can't do until later in life.

Yet there's this feeling of uneasiness that I can't shake off. I've lost two years to mandatory conscription. I know that I did adequately during the two years outside of the army for my own life, and although I'm in a decent position of strength (going a pretty decently-ranked/well-ranked university in one of the few countries the scholars tend to go), there's something about it that's unnerving. I went for one of my "classes" at one of the local university (before I tender my withdrawal next week) - and I met one of my acquaintances/classmate (?) that I knew from pre-university. It was certainly unsettling (to me) to hear how much he's getting done - taking his ACCA papers (for an accounting professional qualification) that he managed to study during his time serving the army, and continuing it now whilst juggling a heavy workload in school. I'm unsettled not because he's taking a heavy workload - I know he's capable of and I'm certainly happy for him - but it's unsettling because I'm not doing the same. Somehow I feel that I need to one-up other people if I want to achieve progress. It's not about just getting a first-class degree from a reputable university, but the fact that my reputable university needs to compare with respect to other people's reputable university and that I need to achieve more than others. 

Yet I wonder whether I'm doing this because I'm just naturally competitive or that I just need to prove myself to other people and so not get judged by them. Yet L had this very apt piece of advice for me about worrying about people judging you:

L: There are only two types of people in your life

L: Friends or acquaintances

L: Friends won't judge you

L: Acquaintances don't actually give a fuck about your life

And she's right. She goes on to mentioned that being judged is a very East Asian form of behaviour, where people need to see the point of competing to people and actually bringing people down to quell their own insecurities in life. She's right.

In fact, by extension, aren't we all much better if we set our sights forward, rather than having to guard our rear - ie spending energy worrying about people judging us, or spending energy judging people to bring them down? Perhaps we really all are. Perhaps L's right, and that I should spend more time looking how to charge forward, and in my own way, rather than compare myself to other people and live a second-rate version of other people's life.

Braces off + short end of the stick

Yesterday was a great day.

My braces are finally off after two years, and it's so lovely not having to bother with the wires and see my teeth being so straight. My ortho has done an amazing job, and it can't be any better.

It's a good start, and it is a goodbye to a relic that harkens back to the era of my mandatory conscription, so that's even better. Hell, I even realised the exact day of the welcome ceremony in the university I'm going to head is on my birthday itself, so hurray.

I know I have a fetish for coincidences and dates. But there's something so serendipitous about it that intrigues me.

I digress, but I do wonder who is going to take the time to wish me on my birthday, but I guess I can think about it later.

Today I read kenn-do's blog again and there was a new entry about his ex and about how he cheated on him.

I was wondering why considerate nice people always happen to get the short end of the stick. I didn't expect today to be the day that I read about heartbreak, about people who don't cherish nice people and about people who bear the brunt of that.

I feel so helpless because I don't know what to say. I feel so helpless because it's not the first time this is happening to someone and I don't know what to do. MH was the receiving end of a girl who didn't cherish him. ID had his boyfriend cheat on him as well - and it's even disgustingly so when you know who they are. I could certainly continue and list out even more cases, but you get my drift. These people I've known are kind, considerate, caring beings. Why do people treat them in these ways? Are kind and considerate people easy to take advantage of, or are there just so many jerks around?

I know how it felt when S betrayed me, and he's just a goddamn friend. It must hurt ten times worse if the other party is your lover. S made me so worried about sharing stuff with other people because I feel they are going to get a hold at me, like S did. Now that I'm reflecting on it, I wasn't just manipulated, I was probably gaslighted on.

I really have little faith in things, but I think they are justified. I don't think I've any hope left in this mystical thing called love when everyone's having bad experiences with jerks left right and centre. You just can't escape them.

And honestly, this doesn't come at a better (worse?) timing. I found my parents' separation letter two days ago, dated from years past, nestled between other pretty important documents. I vividly remember those times, where I knew shit hit the fan and being an utterly young boy, didn't know what to do. I remember tales of cheating. I remember screams across phones, and the usually absent parent abroad being accused of something. I was wondering to ask one of them about the separation letter in my hand, but I decided against. My sister was just beside me and I decided to discreetly keep the documents rather than show her, and asking would have not been good for anyone. She doesn't remember a thing about the entire thing. Neither does the other one. They were far too young. If that's the case, the least I could do is to maintain a good impression of that parent than to shatter the image.

In light of that I'm wondering now if they're actually married; and if they are, is it in name and 'for the kids'? Nothing has changed about the periodic absence of the absent parent in the name of work. I've always been much closer with the present parent than the other, until this year where a couple of trips took us a bit closer.

Those documents have reopened it, and I'm not sure how to feel anymore. I remember the time a close friend told me and MH about her own failed relationship from years ago and her kids, and how her eldest always wants attention from his father - which never gave any after he left.

I was just wondering - would I have been in the same position as her son if things happened in that way?

Either way, I really have no faith in relationships anymore.

Friday night

My Friday night was a wet one - it was literally raining cats and dogs today. I haven't seen a rainy night happen for quite a while, so I spent quite a considerable amount of time watching the rain hit the glass windows in my room - in the dark.

A cold somewhat-dark place has always been my favourite spot to be because it feels like no one else can notice my presence and that I can fade into the dark, where I gel. I can't help but feel really small, and really out in sync with others. I see how my friends are doing okay and getting along in life in local universities and I'd just think to myself - no way in hell I could even survive - not because I'd drown in work, but the fact is that I think people wouldn't want to hang out with me anyway.

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I had time tonight - and I knew I wasn't going to blankly stare at a window for hours on end so I decided to read (and re-read) some blogs. I know my own writing has turned from abhorrent to utterly abysmal and I need to learn for others!

kenn-do's one still interests me the most and it's quite interesting to see how attitudes and issues have changed - some for the better, some for the worst, and some in just perpetual merry-go-round. I was hoping he read back on his own entries from year's past to see how life always oscillates between the ultra-good, the absolute horrid and meh in general. And to see how much he actually grown throughout the years, and that things will be life if you give it time.

I'm being totally hypocritical here - because I'm still wallowing deep in my own doubts and insecurities. Nonetheless I took the entire bunch of logs that I've written to myself before I started this, and read through how my own emotions have changed and how I was then versus now. It's nice to know that I've grown as a person but it's pretty sad to revisit the fact that I'm no longer talking to the people who once mattered a lot to me, or that we're just conversing much less.

Anyway, here's something from what I wrote in September (?) last year. It was formatted as in a poetic form there, which probably is damn effing pretentious now thinking about it. I think it says a lot about my state of mind on certain issues and probably quite apt with all the stuff going around today - hell, it probably is apt at any point in time in human history.

I'm not sure if I still have that fire in me to care that much about any issue today, though.

The matches that matter
are not the ones
between Man U and Leicester City
between Federer and Nadal
not the ones
that pay millions to its maker
in endorsements nor in signing fees
but
the ones in Westminster, in the Riigikogu
in Parliament
between parties - and ideas and values and beliefs
of which what is at stake
is no mere win or loss nor some money
but the futures of the young
the plight of the down and out
the economy and the employed and the unemployed
and to society and the society as a whole
that - is what's at stake