Making decisions

I have been so free that I can wake up and have no idea which day of the week it is. To that extent I've been trying to mitigate that by doing stuff with my life (and time), but I've invariably been failing. Remember about learning LaTeX? I gave that up halfway after I took too long to get the code to work properly (for example getting the dependencies in! trying to get another font to just work!), and then weighed the pro and cons of learning LaTeX versus using Word/LibreOffice and it didn't match up. At least now I can say that I can type a bit of math equations with LaTeX - which is the only bit that really matters - and how word processors work and the difference between acronyms like WYSIWYG and WYSIWYM (essentially, what you see is what you get/mean). Despite so I've managed to pick up Markdown in no time, so that's good because hey at least I've managed to learn something! Whether or not it's all useful is very much up for debate, though.

The local universities have started or are about to start their school term. It suddenly dawned upon me that I haven't submitted my withdrawal form for my placing at one of the local universities, after receiving an email from the professor asking the class to make preparations for lessons next week.

Next week? Next week?! I'm not ready yet.

UKVI hasn't gotten back on my visa application yet, and while it seems like eons ago that I paid a visit to the visa application centre it's only been seven damn working days. That means I'm still less-than-halfway to getting a decision. I've planned to submit my withdrawal only when I've gotten a definitive answer, but now I'm stuck in this dilemma where I would either have to spend time attending lessons next week and even the week after, or withdraw prematurely without a backup plan.

Decisions, decisions.

D minus one month

August 14th.

Exactly a month left before I'm heading off to the UK. It's pretty daunting because I really don't know what to expect over there. Especially the competition academically.

I told L my concerns the other day and she was like "don't worry lah, they're all so un-bright - especially all the masters students I get in contact with." I'm not sure whether to take comfort in that - she's freaking bright and she might have had a much different experience dominating her competition compared to what I might feel. I mean - well, she lost a grand total of 40 points off the full score on the old SAT - that's just simply amazing.

If anything, I'm a much lesser version of her. So I get doubly worried when she faces obstacles in her time in London, because I know if she does, I'll just go through the same and end up much worse off.

I'm probably thinking too much. S used to tell me to have more confidence in myself. Even my mother was talking about how I shouldn't be viewing myself as one which is not as stellar as the rest. But when you're accustomed at performing badly at the back of the rat race it's not a fear one can let go easily.

My head hurts, and I'm still figuring how to learn LaTeX, so I'm going to end this entry early right here today.