I know I promised that particular entry yesterday, but I'm still sitting on it and thinking how I should edit it, and whether I should ultimately publish it.
Nonetheless I'm glad that this has evolved into a space where I can actually air my own problems/opinions without getting judged, and where I can be relatively free from being worried that someone might find out of it anyway.
In fact I'm at a stage where I don't really worry if people actually find out about it, because it's not as personal as I thought it would be. I'm still not sharing at a stage where I did with S, so it's still okay for me.
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I've steadily realised that this form of writing brings about a cathartic release that I don't often get. I don't have the kind of support system most people have - or maybe I do, but the fact that I usually dwell on a problems on a numeral magnitude higher than other people, my support system is inadequate in handling the crap I throw at it. I'm not even twenty-one yet, yet my hair's graying and I'm stressed at the crossroads of life. I know I haven't started university, but when I went through my old notebooks there were musings and plans about what I need to do and what I should do - and we're talking about stuff that I conceivably can't do until later in life.
Yet there's this feeling of uneasiness that I can't shake off. I've lost two years to mandatory conscription. I know that I did adequately during the two years outside of the army for my own life, and although I'm in a decent position of strength (going a pretty decently-ranked/well-ranked university in one of the few countries the scholars tend to go), there's something about it that's unnerving. I went for one of my "classes" at one of the local university (before I tender my withdrawal next week) - and I met one of my acquaintances/classmate (?) that I knew from pre-university. It was certainly unsettling (to me) to hear how much he's getting done - taking his ACCA papers (for an accounting professional qualification) that he managed to study during his time serving the army, and continuing it now whilst juggling a heavy workload in school. I'm unsettled not because he's taking a heavy workload - I know he's capable of and I'm certainly happy for him - but it's unsettling because I'm not doing the same. Somehow I feel that I need to one-up other people if I want to achieve progress. It's not about just getting a first-class degree from a reputable university, but the fact that my reputable university needs to compare with respect to other people's reputable university and that I need to achieve more than others.
Yet I wonder whether I'm doing this because I'm just naturally competitive or that I just need to prove myself to other people and so not get judged by them. Yet L had this very apt piece of advice for me about worrying about people judging you:
L: There are only two types of people in your life
L: Friends or acquaintances
L: Friends won't judge you
L: Acquaintances don't actually give a fuck about your life
And she's right. She goes on to mentioned that being judged is a very East Asian form of behaviour, where people need to see the point of competing to people and actually bringing people down to quell their own insecurities in life. She's right.
In fact, by extension, aren't we all much better if we set our sights forward, rather than having to guard our rear - ie spending energy worrying about people judging us, or spending energy judging people to bring them down? Perhaps we really all are. Perhaps L's right, and that I should spend more time looking how to charge forward, and in my own way, rather than compare myself to other people and live a second-rate version of other people's life.
