Days are longer than you think

I realised how long a day is. The entries on Monday felt kind of foreign to me, but that's just two days ago.

I realised how fast my mood swings in a day. Sleeping became a problem yesterday because I was just thinking of S and I felt empty inside - I wished I understood myself and my brain better. It's ironic - my only lesson yesterday was about neurons and our brains and it's just breathtaking how little we know about the thing that forms part of everyone of us. It feels surreal that I wrote so many entries yesterday, and each and every one had a different emotion in it.

But S, yes. Were it not for good safety videos (props to AirNZ as usual, the last two Qantas ones and even American Airlines acknowledging customers have choices), I would probably have cried myself to sleep. I don't understand why he triggers such an effect in me. I'm ashamed.

Anyway, well - things will get better. It will.

Nonetheless today was pretty rad! Although I was bummed by the fact the finance office was closed yesterday, it was quite good to see the two ladies who I felt would have become good classmates of mine were it not for the fact I left. I honestly thought I let them down yesterday, but that's over. I submitted the withdrawal form today and suddenly walking through the school felt infinitesimally better.

To be honest I was worrying what was taking my passport so darn long - since today is day sixteen, and they pledged to have it done in fifteen else they'll email an explanation. No emails of explanation was forthcoming. Nonetheless the email finally came to beckon me to collect my orphaned passport. Yet it's honestly a bit irritating given the fact I've to rush down tomorrow, rather than being at the right place and the right time to collect like today was. It doesn't help that Friday's a public/bank holiday. Grrr.

I was surprisingly efficient today as well - got my exit permit done as well after worrying for eons about inefficiencies in the system - so that's rad. I managed to shear off three of the most important things/worries in one day. I expected that day to be yesterday - maybe it was just a telling sign I really ought to take a chill pill and let things take its natural course than force my way through.

It's still a bit hard to believe I'm fifteen days away from Bristol. That's two weeks and a day. I've spent two weeks in a row doing nothing before, yet my days now are getting longer and more hectic. I love it. It puts my mind off silly thoughts about loneliness, but hey, I'll be better.

M

About S

I just happened to think of S out of the blue, and since my writing needs some practice - I guess it wouldn't be that bad to dedicate an entire entry to writing about S.

I've looked up to S since I've known him at... the age of 13 I believe. S is three years older than me, and somehow it's very comforting to see his presence in school. We weren't on close terms then, and soon he disappeared from my life since he moved on with school. Nonetheless, in the age of social media and the yesteryears where privacy wasn't a priority for most - it was easy to see how S actually progressed - he went on to do pretty well where he was, and then after a couple of years went to serve the army. Despite so I've always wondered how he's doing, since S isn't really an active social media user, and most of the clues on how he has been doing are all gleaned through his friends.

Meeting S again happened to be this chance occurrence at this event when I was 16, and S was in the midst of serving his mandatory conscription. S looked exactly how he was when I was younger - the person I looked up to, and someone I could take as a brotherly figure. S actually recognised my presence at the event and I happened to have the chance to speak to him at length. That was a pretty amazing day, and I probably wouldn't forget it.

And so we started talking over virtual methods of communication - and when it started, it went on and on. I'd talk to S every weekend after he was out of his army camp, and we'll talk until after midnight and beyond. Being 17-ish I honestly engaged in quite a number of inane discussion - stuff that I will never talk about these days, but it was honestly great. It was great to have his ear - to have someone who will listen. Yet, there was one thing about S - S never told me much about what he was doing, and even when asked S would offer very little details. I didn't think much of it, and I honestly thought it wasn't nice of me to ask too much, anyway. And hence that lovely yet lopsided conversation happened for four odd years - through his years in mandatory conscription, through my years in mandatory conscription, until earlier this year. Somehow we've managed to talk at so much length despite the fact we've only met up twice in the intervening period.

And here's the bit I've mentioned this bit before. Towards the end of the four year period, S became a bit more manipulative and controlling - and terms that he used to call me as a form of (brotherly?) affection felt more like terms of control and subservience. It didn't help that I lost my cool quite a few times - I felt he went a bit overboard and pushed me into a corner where I could not just simply tell him to stop because he doesn't acknowledge it. It didn't help that he knew everything about me - because I told him about all my troubles and worries. Worries that my parents and siblings probably don't know. Troubles and internal conflicts that only he knows. I began feeling that these things were turning against me - and S was using them against me. That if a spanner were thrown into the conversation and our relationship, it was undoubtedly my fault, because I'm "emotionally labile". I'm not - I just don't know how to express my frustrations with the never-ending problems that he was not taking any note of, and yet keep my cool with him.

I felt things were going south and so I decided to end it in January. It was an emotional rollercoaster, since it went from being close to utterly distant in the matter of weeks. I don't know how S took it, but I don't think it ever affected him at all. It had a bad emotional toll on me - some of my nights were just spent crying since there was this void in the night that S used to fill that was now gone. Yet I knew I had to do this because I really need to gain back a little bit of my sanity, and stop double-guessing myself because someone else treats me in a way that made me feel like I'm not deserving of anything.

I thought I've gotten over it by April. Trying to be the best person I could be, I wished him a happy birthday over Facebook on the day itself, and then hopped myself on a flight to China, where Facebook was banned and I wouldn't have to deal with the immediacy of any replies that might be forthcoming.

China was great. I really enjoyed my week without social media and getting my news and information from reading English Wikipedia, since BBC and the like were all inaccessible. I really thought I was fine with things, and mature enough to deal with issues.

I came back from Shanghai after that week seeing his replies and I stupidly decided to reply. Whilst on a conscious state of mind I wished him a happy birthday privately because I was gobsmacked to find that no one posted on his page (which would have limited our contact time), and chose to do so privately; perhaps on a subconscious state of mind I really wished him well and hope he was fine.

April and May was tumultuous for me in the fact that I had to alternate between S apologising the very first time since I've returned to Singapore, to the point that things were just bad, and I tried to be as impersonal as possible in my replies since I didn't want to bear that kind of pain again.

Obviously I suffered when things went awry, but it was better the second time round. I told MH at the point of time - I just wanted to help S be a better person, and I don't know why S treated me that way when he never was like this. I dragged myself into a situation I should never have done, and it felt like at times like I stabbed myself. Perhaps I should have been nicer - perhaps that would have been better, but I had my heart to protect. He ended the entire thing after he said it was getting too difficult to talk to me, and wished me well.

I hope that was genuine, I really don't know. I asked myself whether I've did the right thing throughout, and I really doubted my judgement. I resorted later to showing some of my texts with S to a few other close friends (that don't know S); had our names blanked out and asked what they thought about it.

Many thought S was being a tool and a jerk. It was a bit jarring to hear that.

I'm not sure if S changed in this intervening period of four years, but nonetheless I still love S a lot as a friend. I hope he does well. The emotions still stings till this day, and writing this wasn't the smoothest emotional ride I've ever had. 

I wonder whether it's uncommon to love your friends, and to love them so hard. I do. I'm such a little sucker but that's who I am personally. I don't know whether I'll ever be close to S again in my entire life but S taught me before that "everything happens for a reason", and perhaps this did as well. Perhaps It's for learning and being better in dealing my future friends, perhaps it's about telling me that maybe I'm really a bit too sensitive about things and need to take a chill pill. Perhaps it is preparation for getting to know S all over again and that these chats were just with the right person at the wrong time. I don't know, but at least this experience made me stand on my own two feet and made me a much more independent person in nature. Rather than confiding in people, I have a blank sheet of paper to type on here. Similarly, I display a little less emotion and give people a little less information lest I get hurt again. They aren't good traits per se, but they are traits I need to have were I need to protect myself from the range and depth of my own emotions.

Anyway, this is probably the most complete thing I've ever written about S, and probably will be the only one. As much as this is cathartic, this is also for posterity. I hope to look back on this post in future and say confidently that I've moved on. I hope to dust the final pieces of metaphorical blood and scabs off my heart. It's really time I should - and I'm far overdue even despite the fact I tell myself it's the last time every single time.

Maybe I will never heal, and that's okay. I'll look back at the chats and time with S with fondness, but go on with life, and move forward. That's it. That's really what matters.

Resolution

Massive cringe.

I took the time to re-read what I wrote today and what I wrote yesterday. I'm honestly not happy at all. It's not because of the cheesiness inherent in my entries, but the simple fact that my English went right out of the window and many sentences were so awkward to read.

I've truly lost my ability to write, after serving the army. (This sentence once ended with "write in the army", which makes zero sense with respect to what I was trying to convey. This is beyond worrying. I'm scared.)

This feels horrible - since I do pride myself for being able to make cogent arguments. One of the most important things in making sound arguments would the ability to write. It seems that I've lost that ability, and I'm really bad at this now.

It's even scarier given that I'm heading to university in just a matter of days, and that writing and crafting essays is a major component of my degree.

What shall I do? I'm paralysed with fear, but I do know that fear wouldn't be adequate nor useful in solving this problem. It's time like this where I don't appreciate the services my amygdalae render.

Perhaps I should write more. Type more, and catch myself making mistakes and correcting them. (I just did that for the preceding sentence - goodness me.) Continue reading all my articles from a multitude of sources and note carefully how and what to write. Write short sentences, and don't make my sentences too convoluted so that people can understand my train of thought. Read how my peers and how other people write, and note how language is used to create a certain (desired) effect.

I don't feel at all calm, but I cannot despair. Writing is what makes me who I am. Writing is the tool I use to express myself. I'm overwhelmed with fear - because I can no longer write properly, and that means I wouldn't be able to express my thoughts and feelings in the best way possible. Yet, I know I should have a little faith.

Just a little bit of faith - that I will improve and get my writing back on track. I know I'll be fine. I will. I just got to keep trying, and keep that faith that I'll improve, slowly but steadily.

M

Frustrating inefficiency

Second post of the day (I probs should temper my writing, but hell nah since it's such a lovely pastime and no one judges!)

I honestly had lingering doubts about going to Bristol since you know, it's no LSE/UCL and I was thinking whether I was mental for giving up two local schools ranked 11 and 15 in the world. And then I was in the library (this local university's library, mind you) just minding my own business and learning my neurons, and at the table in front of me laid a textbook that someone left behind.

And what's so surreal is that it's in the field I wanted/will be studying in. And on a closer look - boom - I recognised the name of the author - and it's one of the profs who teaches at Bristol in my course of study. And then I went to look at the unit outline for that module and I was surprised it was a core textbook (and written with another of the Bristol lecturers), alongside another textbook co-written by the former Finnish Prime Minister.

te deum! ex-PM Alexander Stubb. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THAT CHIN-DESK. he runs marathons and triathlons - faster than Tony Abbott, and probably much fitter than all of us :(

I know I'm going off-tangent here, but I do hope I will look like ex-PM Stubb at his age. He's 49, and he looks great, sans the wrinkles. Probably possible if I'm not lazy. Like I mean - this is supposedly how us Asians are supposed to age:

It's probably utterly possible.

Anyway back to topic: So, I was wondering: why study here about that subject when you can learn it from the horses' mouth? On my supposedly last day in this local university it's honestly a clear signal that I should go.

That's about the only good thing that happened for the day however. Hmm. Everything that could go wrong went wrong after that I felt.

1. I was told by the poor dude dealing with my medical review in the army couldn't find a reschedule date before I leave for the UK - so I'll probably have to do it in December. It's such a pity since I wanted to wrap up loose ends but nahhhhh. Anyway it's one more excuse to hop back to Singapore for a little while and a little refuge from the cold so that's cool with me!
2. You know about that withdrawal form? They needed me to pay the finance guys a visit for obvious reasons (ie not hiding gold bars/stealing money/owing fees they would rather use to come out with another department named after an acronym) and they're only open during lunchtime on three working days. What the flying flute. Think about that - the finance office of a university opens to the public only three working days for three hours. So, I gotta go down tomorrow to get that done. To hell with them, they deserve their crap ranking. HMMPH.
3. My passport isn't ready for collection, and I've hearing zilch from the visa guys although they promised that it will be done within fifteen working days. Today, my friends, is DAY FIFTEEN. It's darn frustrating to not have your passport in a country of a few hundred square kilometres - I'm utterly annoyed. TF did warn me before that UKVI is inefficient as hell, but he changed it to 'UK is inefficient'. I didn't expect this level of inefficiency, though! Should have know better - there must be some truth if that's coming from a Brits' mouth.
4. I collected my chest x-ray report and they were like 'oh noes' we don't have film. Which is annoying but fine since they have a CD copy of the x-ray and gave it to me, but I got into a big altercation with my mother (which honestly is losing her cognitive sense at times) saying that I should be printing the CD copy on A4 paper. It hurts for me to explain since she just refuses to get it. UGH. Went home and told my sister about the entire hullabaloo, and she was like 'who the eff prints x-rays on A4 white paper?'. Damn. Sometimes I hate my sister's guts but sometimes she's such a godsend.

Oh and lessons! I think I kind of screwed up the neuron bits and I feel really bad for that - but hey it wasn't easy and the professor said it herself when she taught us post-activity. It was incredibly interesting though! For example - do you know that apparently there are nasal erectile tissues? No?

Good luck looking into his/her nose, trying to tell whether he/she/it/they have the hots for ya ;)

Also I was checking out this dude across the room because he had such lovely ideal-size pecs and deltoids I'd want to have on myself. Mhmm. (lel what were you thinking?) It's a long drawn process to train that, but if I get there, dayum. I'd be stoked. But first, patience! I still have my gut to work on, and whilst it's not much of it left, I should concentrate on that indeed. I wonder if there's any secret in having no fat on the side yet still being really huggable. Things to research on.

I'll end this here, but do not fret: I WILL BE BACK.

(mwahaha I love being so random and just plain silly - I hope people love me for that too!)

I DON'T CAAAARE

Uhmm okay!

I honestly think I've been too damn stoic in my entries! Like I should really chill the fuck out and have fun with this!

Don't mind me if I go crazy bwahaha. I love going crazy - I should channel my inner craziness here! My family probably has had enough of me going silly heh. :D

Anyway, last day of the local university and then I'll get my withdrawal form in; and hope for the best UKVI gives me back my damn passport soon!

Y U NO COME BACK FASTERRRR!

Anyway yesterday night was rad - really spent hours talking to MH and completely forgot I needed to read about neurons and teach my group about it for this last lesson (hurhur - maybe I'm not as conscientious as I believe myself to be). Waking up in the morn was weirdly fresh (after four hours of sleep?) and the first thing I thought of was Adventure Time's Lumpy Space Prince singing I DON'T CAAAAARE:

Like yeah THAT, the first thing in the morn! I think I've really gone to the stage I'm giving no fucks about things that don't matter like acquaintances (a la L's style) and about how people view me. MH asked me if I was afraid of S - I told him no, but things will probs be awks as hell if I were to bump into him in the UK.

Today's gonna be a good day. My braces are off but I've got my retainers now - and they're so lovely! It's not totally wired like the traditional retainers of the day (which is the best for keeping teeth straight), nor the Invisalign-ish type (transparent and aesthetic), but it has a transparent wire across it so it has the best of both worlds!

One more class and one withdrawal form next. Sixteen more days to go - sixteen before my next chapter in life!

Welcome to Bristol

I'm actually quite glad that I was suffering a little writer's block just now, because it really made me think through what I wanted to say and in perhaps the best way possible.

I know people can be filled with a lot of negativity and toxicity and to some extent I see that in myself. But the fact that I've decided not to entertain these thoughts straight on - by not verbalising them and to get sucked into me perhaps have made me a better person to be acquainted with.

I know there's quite a number of things in general in which I could have done better or that I can improve on, but to just treat myself harshly and to tell myself that I'm worth crap as a result of my shortcoming would have been utterly defeatist and wholly ineffective in getting to where I wish I could be.

In that aspect I am hoping to keep the optimist side of me when writing, because I know that if I allow my long-latent negativity seep into my writing, it will only proliferate and back into my head as menacing thoughts.

It's not that I'm trying to act that 'everything is fine'. Things rarely are fine, and I acknowledge that. I don't try to act that I'm contented with life as it is. I'm not.

I talked to TF (the dude who's flying in an Avro from Newcastle) about what I should do with life, and I've gotten quite a different perspective. He's Brit, but he's not white and he has lived in quite a few different countries since his childhood. Whilst I can certainly beat up myself for not being in LSE/UCL/Oxbridge, he reminded me where I am and that how I'm already doing pretty well. And he's right. I'm honestly, honestly still stuck in my pre-university era where everyone (I knew, at least) was a genius, and it doesn't help that my sister is in the same school and that she's pretty much a semi-genius as well. I need to get that out of my head and that whilst I'm not one of those geniuses, if I do work harder and pace myself well I'd be doing well.

I took the time to look at people's Instagram posts - and especially a few Asians living in United Kingdom. I don't happen to have that insidious jealously waiting to whip me for living an utterly meh life with respect to these people (since they ain't competition to me) - instead, through all these figures who are a bit older than me I can see what life can become if I do maintain my perseverance. It's pretty rad because I can see myself in that.

I've come to terms that I'm off in seventeen days, and I've just received a snail mail from the University with all the info and maps of the city in the last hour. A nice touch, really. They were the only ones who bothered to send me a snail mail after getting an offer (you guys are lovely), and I was just poring through it and seeing what I could do. I know I want to get myself into some volunteer work. Study hard, certainly; and meet L and our friends in London and find TF up north. It's a bit deflating to hear the gym's not really near where I live - I'm come far enough to look decent, but I wanna look dayum in a suit. But, hey doing a sport seems interesting. I've did it, sure, even competitively before, but that was years past. Maybe it's time to restart.

I really hope I can leave my demons away here in Singapore, and do this well. It's pretty uplifting to have a little bit of faith in myself, and I know I will thrive in a foreign environment where the desires and obligations of my family and living with them aren't an impediment anymore. That is a reason why I'm actively lobbying my sister to choose different UK schools to apply, or stay here in NUS to do her course (since it's a professional course anyway) - notwithstanding the fact that she needs to learn to be independent and can't act like any sassy bitch dependent on her boyfriend (not that she's one). I find that there's where I differ from my sister's in general - because I'm the oldest and that just begets responsibility, sometimes you do too much to the detriment of them. Yet my parents have never nudged them in that way and hence my point is moot.

This will be great. I really should be less harsh of myself - I've done the impossible and the highly unlikely before - I have the ability to do the impossible even more so than anyone I've known. If I told most of my teachers in pre-university I'm headed to Bristol their jaw would have dropped. That's how little faith they had in me. I used to have an inferiority complex when talking to S, but thinking about it - I've lost it the time I decided enough was enough.

I don't lack anything. Yes, I could be less harsh on myself, I could have more belief in myself, but ultimately it's just because I'm not confident enough in myself. I totes should. And go in with an open mind, and be chillax as a flying flute as I usually am, and be brilliant and unconventionally great in such a way I'd bring the house down.

That's the goal, and that's a damn fine goal. Good luck to me. I'll be more than fine.

Boring-ception

Writer's block.

Gaaaah. It's incredibly frustrating because there's so much stuff waiting to get out of me. I need to get my own sense of peace and yet what I'm dealing with is just a jumble of emotions and worries and everything under the sun.

It's extremely annoying as well because people who know me in real life think I'm just utterly fine and chillax to the point of being boring. I'm not boring, eff you, but I know that if I do/say anything out of the blue I'll probably be taken as some utter Bohemian dude breathing fire a la Toothless' style. And while that's not boring it's unconventional, but you know what? People's sense of interesting in this goddamn Lion City is so utterly conventional that it's boring. Hell, what's interesting to its inhabitants is just tepidly boring and they don't realise it.

Gosh.

And while I fume and act the damn goat, here's a little bit of my utterly unconventional music taste. I do hope I can get tickets and watch her perform live in Bristol in November, but I'm deathly worried about the twenty-minutes walk back home at 10pm. I've walked back to my hotel past midnight in Melbourne CBD before, but Melb's totes diff.